An Open Letter To Couples Who Use Pet Names

Dear Couples Who Use Pet Names,

I was dating my ex for only a few weeks until he called me “babe” for the first time. Not wanting to be a giant piece of crazy, I let it slide. Then he called me “babe” again a few days later, and I knew. It was turning into a thing. I had to stop it before it started. I put on my best smile and batted my eyes at him and said, “Please don’t call me babe. I actually physically hate it.” It’s not just babe though, it’s all pet names, in all forms shapes and sizes. It’s an epidemic and you’re the reason.

I have a theory that pet names started so that guys would never actually have to learn a girl’s name. They talk about this phenomenon in John Tucker Must Die. “Does he always use pet names like ‘baby’… and ‘sweetheart’? Yeah, it’s not out of affection, It’s so he won’t mix up your names.” If you INSIST on using a pet name, you could at least make it the following things, not vomit inducing, and unique to your relationship. I used to call my ex “doucher” as a term of endearment.

Also, if you’re one of those people that just throws pet names around to people you’re not dating, what’s your deal? Is there anything in the world more condescending than being called “hun?” No. So why do you insist on doing it? If you’re an older man and call me any derivative of “sweetie” it’s hard to not sound creepy whilst doing it. Look, I’m not hating on all of you, really. I’m sure your pet names mean so much to you and your significant other, but I mean. Only certain people can pull them off. But I am not a “Babe”. Babe was a pig on a farm. I am not a “Baby,” as I’m a 21 year old woman. I just don’t like them. I don’t like being called them. I don’t like it when you shower your significant others with the words to mask the veil that you’re not really in love but trapped in a dead end relationship. I hate them.

And I kind of hate you.

Sorry this was harsh, hun.



[Lead image via Tom Wang /Shutterstock]

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