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Goddess Britney Wants A Sitcom, Goddess Britney Does Not Remember Crossroads [Sugar Binge]


Oh no, baby girl. This one is not for you. I do not doubt that Britney Spears is funny in person. I saw Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (do y’all remember that hot mess of a reality show on UPN?), girl can be funny. Nevertheless, I think we all wore the albatross of Britney’s only feature film, Crossroads. She cannot act. I mean, just take a peek at her music video for “Criminal” where, after her boyfriend slaps her, she runs off to cry in the bathroom, except there is only one problem: she has a smirk on her face. Furthermore, I seriously doubt she “wants” her own show. Britney is dripping with unhappiness in every photograph, what Britney wants is to retire, be a mom and eat Cheetohs. Just like the rest of the American people!

Radar reports:

“Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph, is reading television scripts that the singer could accept. Britney’s dad, Jamie feels that having his daughter on a sitcom would be a good fit for her. Britney needs to be kept busy, and a structured environment such as a television sitcom would be a natural fit for her.”

Yes, Britney needs to be constantly distracted otherwise she’ll realize she was completely robbed of a childhood and her freedom because her parents really, really like lots and lots of money.

• If you don’t understand why blackface is offensive then probably don’t do blackface. If you understand why blackface is offensive then probably don’t do blackface. If you don’t think blackface is offensive then probably don’t do blackface. If you are a Kanye West fan who would like to be him for a costume party probably don’t show this much cleavage. The skin color has to be “accurate” but nothing else? When has Yeezy ever worn a du-rag. You are not above racism, history or oppression because you “don’t mean to offend anyone.” Stop it. You’re better than that.

• A Boy Scouts chapter was all, “I don’t even care if you’re gay, dude. It’s all good, homeboy,” for the first time in, like, ever. The Boy Scouts has been a notably homophobic organization but this one chapter decided to folk that shift and be pluralistic and inclusive by allowing an openly gay member to receive the Boy Scouts highest honor of “Eagle Scout.”

• Taylor and Harry are never ever getting back together. She is for serious. 

• Disney’s Aladdin is going to broadway. ARAAAAABIAN NIIIIIIIIIIGHTS, LIKE ARAAAAABIAN DREAAAAAAAMS. Are those the words?

• Jessie J. threw shade at Rihanna via. Twitter. I don’t care much for Rhi or her music but she does whatever she wants. She refuses to give up her freedom for fame. Even if having freedom means making questionable or dubious decisions in the public domain. I think that’s pretty cool, tbh. 

• Everyone’s favorite Tumblr-husband, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, is going to be in Sin City 2 not Guardians of the Galaxy or Justice League.

• Justin Bieber is going to host Saturday Night Live, I seriously hope it’s like that time he was on CSI.  

Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.