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The Inner Monologue of Lamby Dunham on the Eve of His Suicide


Yesterday, Lena Dunham rescued a dog. If you look at the photos she posted to her Instagram page, however, one starts to question whether this ragtag pooch really considers himself “rescued”…or just placed in another circle of hell. Those wide, uncertain puppy eyes juxtaposed against Lena’s insanely enthusiastic smile deliver only one message: Poor Lamby (yes, that’s his name) is considering his options.

Option One: Suicide on 5th Ave. Can I squirm out of this crazy woman’s death grip? Are my paws strong enough to roll down the taxi window? Would I then be able to successfully barrel roll out the window, into traffic and sprint to safety? Well, that part is unlikely. But I suppose dying in front of a tacky Hollister water feature is better than spending the rest of my life as “Lamby.” Lamby and Lena. Lena and Lamby. What sick sort of charades does she have planned for us? I don’t want to find out. PS: For those of you reading this, my name’s actually Craig.

Option Two: “Accidental” Poisoning. I can make this look like it’s all her fault. She left the Draino uncapped. She left a chocolate bar on the couch. Dogs love Draino and chocolate, we don’t know these toxic snacks slowly shut down our organs until we’re canine taxidermy waiting for you all rigor mortis by the front door. You weren’t home! You didn’t save me! Psh, b*tch, you deal with that guilt. I’m outta here.

Option Three: Drowning/Cupcake Asphyxiation. She keeps talking about how she can’t wait to get home and eat a cupcake in the tub. WTF lady. I’m a dog and even I know that’s some abnormal sh*t. I think I can use this to my advantage, though. While you’re sitting in a warm pool of waterlogged crumbs, I’ll nose my way into the bathroom…do I smell cupcakes? Wanna give me a bite? Maybe I should hop in the bath with you so we can eat pink frosting at the same time. ACK! What’s this! It’s lodged in my throat! So thick…so sugary…the room is getting dark…my head is underwater…I hear you yelling…searching for a towel…searching for a Groupon to a vet…searching for a way to transform this tragic moment into some poignant TV content. Goodbye, world. Until you meet me again in GIRLS Season Three.

[Images via Instagram]