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What’s a Girl To Do About The Guy Who Keeps Coming Back? [Ask A Dude]


Hey Dude!

My question is pretty simple. What’s a girl to do with the guy who keeps coming back? I’ve been FWB’ing with someone for a while. Over the course of the years we’ve known each other, we’ll occasionally have a huge blow-out argument, after which we go our separate ways. This will last a few months, and then slowly and certainly this guy comes back.

The relationship doesn’t always immediately resume as an intimate one, and we genuinely are friends, but I’m starting to think I should call “enough is enough!” on this. As a fellow dude, can you give me a little insight as to how guys view the girl who always accepts them back in their life? Or maybe as to why he keeps reappearing? Should I cut the cord and say goodbye for good?


Not a Doormat

Dear Not a Doormat,

You know why he keeps coming back? Because you keep taking him back. A simple answer to that part of your question.

There’s a lot of drama to deal with when you’re trapped in the off/on dynamic. Part of this comes from the fact that the boundaries you set are never as solid as they need to be. There’s a lack of consistency until the only thing you can count on is for things to never run smooth for very long. Trouble will always be lurking when lines keep getting blurred over and over again. You’ve helped create this cycle. To break it you’ve got to be brutal.

Guys will keep coming if you keep leaving the door open. Just a crack’s enough to entice a return visit. All we need is a sliver of light to give us hope. He cares about you. But now it’s beyond a matter of infatuation. You’re both stuck in a pattern: friends, f*ck, split; friends, f*ck, split; repeat until reaching insanity. Fortunately, you seem to be at the breaking point.

What do you do with the guy that keeps coming back? You either let him keep coming back or you make it clear that he can’t come back again. EVER. Ever ever, forever ever. The most humane thing to do is to cut him loose. You both have to break the habit of each other and since past attempts have failed that means 2 things: you didn’t give enough time and space to actually move on; and you were as willing to jump back into bed as he was.

Generally, when you’re willing to admit you’re asking the question, “Should I let him go?” you want to let him go. Let him go. Cut ties. Say “enough is enough.” Unless you’re not ready-and yes, you have to be ready. It’s kind of like treating an addiction, and there can be obsessive elements in relationships. It’s to a degree that’s generally termed as “co-dependence.” Sometimes the people we’re co-dependent on are good for us, and sometimes you reach a point where they’re not good for us. And we’re not good for them. You’ve reached that point. You’re the one capable of breaking the pattern. Break it!

Telling it like it is,

The Dude

    I'm a dude. I know dudes. And I'll share what I know with you. Just ask!