magnifier menu chevron-left chevron-right chevron-up comment chevron-up chat_bubble_outline2 share thumbs-up thumbs-down chevron-down

On the Things We Do (And Shouldn’t Do) To Find Love [Dear DBN]


In the pursuit of love, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the pursuit rather than the love. This week, when to pursue and when to let them come to you.

In a situation where the girl/guy ratio is not in your favor, how do you feel about, for the lack of a better word, competing for a dude you’re interested in?

There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but it needs to be fun. The objective can’t be must-get-the-guy; the objective needs to be to flex your flirt muscle and have a good time. When it comes to love, competition has a way of molding into jealousy and desperation, much less attractive traits and much harder to recover from if you lose.

And make sure you want to be with this person and it’s not just competition barreling you toward a showcase you don’t even want. As Princess Jasmine once said, “I am not some prize to be won!” Neither is a dude. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Lady, I’m having trouble finding likable dudes to date and I have no idea why. I’m not afraid to talk to strangers, I have an online dating profile, I keep myself busy, and happy, and cute. “What guy wouldn’t want to date me?” I find myself asking this question silently and to friends a lot. What advice do you have for someone who is going through an inexplicable dry spell? Any tips to help me turn it around?

Stop dating. Stop looking. I know that’s infuriating advice but you’re too aware, you’re too engrossed in what you’re doing. You have analyzed to yourself and to your friends and whether you know it or not, have mentally cock-blocked yourself. Stop looking for likable dudes and start looking for likable people. Expand your friend circle.

Think of finding love like hunting. You’ve come prepared with all the different calls, wearing the right gear, carrying the right weapons. You’re the best tracker in the woods and you’ve got your nose to the ground following prints, droppings and brushings. But the aggravating truth is you can track an animal for days and never catch up to it. You can get so wrapped up in the hunt you miss the elk 50 yards to your right. Sometimes you just need to hunker down in the nook of a tree, enjoy the imperial silence of the woods and wait for the prey to come to you. It will be breathtaking when it does.

I've written for Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, Leveled Magazine, College Candy, How About We, and have been featured on several HuffPost Live segments. Creator and leader of Bold Moves October featured on xoJane and Neil Gaiman's blog. Both Neil and Jane appreciate boldness. I specialize in pep talks, very long bike rides, and matching my lipstick to my heels.