How Do I Tell My Friend Her BF Might Be Gay? [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,

My best friend in the whole world has been dating a wonderful guy for the past two years — since they were seniors in high school. They now attend the same conservative university in the south. I’ve only met her BF a handful of times since we all attended different high schools, but he treats her really well and definitely cares about her. There’s one little catch, though. I think he might be gay.

Aside from being extremely flamboyant and touchy-feely with other men, she mentioned to me when she was drunk one night that they haven’t had sex in almost a year. I’m not really sure what I’m allowed to say in a scenario like this, and I have no evidence aside from my strong suspicions.

How do I tell her I think her boyfriend might like guys? Can I even say that?


Why Me?

Dear Why Me?

I have to answer your question in 2 parts.

Are you sure he’s gay? What proof do you ACTUALLY have? I get the stereotypical circumstantial evidence. But where’s the smoking gun? Some straight guys are flamboyant. If you’ve been together more than a few years it’s not unusual for your sex rate to plummet. Being touchy-feely among guys is allowed, although more accepted between women, but perhaps he’s more effeminate? Or metrosexual? I get your concerns. I get the impressions you’re getting. I’m just not 100% convinced based on what you’ve presented that he might prefer cock. I’m just not sure. Sorry. Conservative Southern upbringing absolutely is a heck of a cover, there could be some pressure to stay in the closet, or even to be unaware of what his own impulses mean. Again though, you’re working off a bit of a stereotype and not fact.

HOWEVER, should you have that evidence and need to tell your friend she’s dating a guy that probably prefers guys then let’s look at a good approach or two.

There’s no nice way to do it. Except perhaps to get her drunk, if she’s generally a happy drunk. In general the best way to tell your friend that you think her boyfriend’s gay is to NOT tell her you think her boyfriend’s gay. No. Never. Don’t. Not, your, business! Do not pass homo, do not collect $200. All you’re doing is firing a torpedo navigated by gaydar at your friendship. This isn’t your place. You’re just going to cause pain. You’re opening yourself up for her to take out any fear or anger out on you. If he’s gay, she probably already has an inkling. If she does then she’s got to deal with it on her own time.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be concerned for her. This doesn’t mean to write it off. No! Be there for her. Let her know that you’re there for her if there’s anything she wants to talk about, no matter how “silly” it might seem. Just don’t do any more than that. This is her H-bomb. Don’t go firing bullets at the warhead before it’s meant to go off.

Be her friend. You know, just don’t be THAT friend who thinks she’s doing the right thing by going too far. Skip the inevitable disaster and stay friends.

Just say NO!

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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