Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m about to graduate from college and I need your help, because I’m terrible at relationships and the time is now or never. I have two guy friends and I like them both in different ways. Like, like like. So here’s the situation.
Guy One has been my friend for about two years. I’ve seen him date other girls (including my best friend VERY briefly), and he’s seen me date other guys. One of my friends admitted that she liked him last summer, and he shot her down and then stopped being as close with her, so she wouldn’t get the wrong idea. However, I’ve been told by third parties that he likes me, and I’ve gotten the vibe myself several times. The problem is, he’s looking for commitment, and I’m looking for something that might naturally progress into commitment, but not starting there. I’m terrified I’m reading the signs wrong and that I will embarrass myself if I admit feelings. He’s seen me in a lot of embarrassing situations, and I know that he did not initially think of me in a dating capacity. How can I gauge his feelings? How can I push for something more without being COMPLETELY vulnerable? I’d rather be friends with him at the end of the day, because he means so much to me. I can live with that, but I don’t really want to.
The next guy, I had my eye on from day one. Unfortunately, so did my best friend. He’s amazing and all the girls have noticed. He gets asked out by girls a TON. I think he liked me initially, and he makes jokes about us getting married and stuff (which the first guy does as well, actually), he often tells me how pretty and funny I am, he often tells me the things I say are the funniest things he’s heard that day, etc. But I decided earlier this semester that I was being delusional (as we mega-crushers get) and that he doesn’t like me (after all, he’s super nice and charismatic, and I’m sure the reasons I like him/feel special are the reasons other girls do the same). And yet…I flirt, I daydream, I find excuses to hang out with him. SO ditto…how can I gauge his feelings? How can I find ways to express interest that don’t make me just another one of the girls throwing themselves at him? I feel like we get each other on a deeper level, kind of. He’s opened up to me about stuff. Then the other problem: my best friend. I don’t believe in calling “dibs,” especially when the guy’s not interested in the person who called dibs (he isn’t interested in her, he has made it clear). However, I didn’t speak up soon enough and now she’s told me about her crush way too much. Is there some way to be a good friend to her and still to make a move on this guy? I would do anything for her, but she pretty much always “calls” the guys I’m interested in, and it is getting so very frustrating, because I feel like I’m never free to pursue the guys I like…
Basically, I’ve been doing this balancing act of playing the supportive friend in the Rom-Com of my roommate’s life. I want to do something now—I want to have a full-fledged senior-year romance, but my cowardice, my pride, and my lack of dating know-how are severely in the way. Both of these guys are amazing and I would love to pursue something with either one. I know that’s not very romantic—that there isn’t just one guy, but there isn’t. Am I an idiot? Can you see something that I’m not? Also, one of my fears is that I’m vocal about my not needing a man, not looking for a commitment, etc. I’m worried that the guys read this as me not being interested or emotionally available. ANYWAY, ANY feedback/thoughts/advice would be SO appreciated.
Much love and admiration,
Woman from Venus
Dear Woman from Venus,
I mean…there MUST be other men on your campus. Why is it that basically every guy either you or your bestie like, the other one also likes? Don’t you find that to be a little…suspicious?
Now, I don’t know which one of you is copying which. You’re presenting it like she’s the copycat, but she’s the one who actually dated the first guy (however briefly) and she told you first about liking the second guy.
So, I guess what Aunt Tuffy is saying is that you need to take a look at why you like these guys, and whether or not you ACTUALLY like these guys. I feel like you might be doing one of two things: (1) subconsciously competing with your best friend, or (2) just going with whoever seems sort of vaguely available to you.
Branch out, girl!!! Go meet some new guys. Go explore.
You totally deserve to have a man in your life who thrills you, and you are absolutely right that you shouldn’t have to get tied down right away. Go join a club, or a gym, or talk to people in your classes. Get out of your group of friends and be brave. Ask someone out for coffee. Don’t make it a big deal. Do have some fun.
And, seriously, do NOT date Guy Two. Your friend will definitely NOT forgive you if she’s made it super clear that she likes him and then you go after him. If you were certain he was the One True Love Of Your Life, that would be one thing (like, you HAVE to go for that). But since there are two guys you’re just crushing on simultaneously, I gotta tell you, this ain’t no thang.
Guy One is questionable for the same reasons. But at least you’re just getting her sloppy seconds and not taking the bread (guy) out of her mouth (ew).
So. Um. Yeah. Go meet some new guys. For realz.
Hearts & Skulls,
Got a question?! Girl, please. Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com