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On Looking For Love and Loving Yourself [Dear DBN]


When looking for love, there are few things more frustrating than near radio silence.  This week, ease off on the search and love what you have: yourself.

Hey lady. I haven’t been on a date after a year of living in CO. I’m on okcupid. I volunteer in the community. I’m getting ready to go back to school. I’m friendly and always try to put myself out there and say yes as often as possible. I’ve been asked out twice and both times the guys mysteriously went silent before plans were confirmed. Is it me? I’m confused. I feel like maybe this is a sign that dating isn’t a thing I should worry about right now. Thoughts?

What you’re feeling is right.  It’s just not now.  But man, you’re living a full life and exploring and learning and sometimes you have to remember that what may feel like one very big puzzle piece missing, is still just one piece out of many.  As for the guys going silent, that is distinctly not a “you” problem.  That’s two very bad seeds with poor manners.

Keep doing what you’re doing, but do it for yourself.  When you’re in a love drought, it can feel like a damper on your whole life, but try to think of it like this: one summer, it didn’t rain at all.  Not one drop.  Crops were dying and the weather station was forewarning the end of greenery.  One more day without rain and the farms will never grow again!  One more day without rain and we’ll dry out and fall like paint chips!  You can be a doomsdayer, or you can be the person who makes plans every day that need sunshine.  You can be on your bike, hiking, swimming, rafting, going to out concerts, drive-ins, festivals, throwing BBQs, pool parties, and bonfires.  Do all the things you can do only do without rain, because no matter what the weather forecast says, it will rain again eventually.  Enjoy the freedom of sunshine while you have it.

There’s a guy that I met almost two weeks ago at a convention thing and we hit it off and have a ton of interests in common. After the convention ended, he started chatting with me on Facebook the next day and we’ve talked online almost every day since then. Sometimes I start the conversation, but sometimes he does, and we’ll talk for hours and hours. Would a guy talk to me this much if he wasn’t interested?

If a guy spends day in and day out chatting with you online, all it really communicates is how much free time he has.  Even if it was a display of interest rather than boredom, interest doesn’t communicate availability.  His solely digital presence should strike you as a red flag.  If he has no problem reaching out and striking up communication, it’s not likely he would have any issue asking to see you again.

Is he interested?  Maybe.  Is he interested enough?  No.  Don’t be backburnered by someone who’s only willing to halfway step up to the plate.

    I've written for Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, Leveled Magazine, College Candy, How About We, and have been featured on several HuffPost Live segments. Creator and leader of Bold Moves October featured on xoJane and Neil Gaiman's blog. Both Neil and Jane appreciate boldness. I specialize in pep talks, very long bike rides, and matching my lipstick to my heels.