Recap: Game of Thrones Season 3, Episode 1 [A Bro’s Thoughts]

So it’s back. The show that everyone talks about, but no one really seems to watch when it actually comes on, is back. (Shout out to torrents and HBO GO, I guess.) Game of Thrones, the craziest fantasy series this side of Lord Of The Rings has us all enthralled in the world of Westeros and Essos, keeps us wondering who shall truly rule the Iron Throne. For those who are planning to read the A Song Of Ice And Fire books, catching up on previous seasons or just plain lame, you should stop reading now. I’m a very big fan of this series, books included, and the third novel that this season is based on (A Storm Of Swords) is easily the best book in the series (and my personal favorite), I’m unreasonably excited for this season. Let’s get to it.

In Which Jon Snow Keeps Thinking With His Dick

I get it Jon. You swore off women, this Ygritte girl comes out of nowhere, starts grinding against you for warmth, and BONUS: she’s part of the Kingdom Beyond The Wall. It’s a win/win. You can’t lose. (Until you ultimately show your true colors as a mole for the Night’s Watch and break her heart, but you were only really in the first 10 minutes or so of the episode, so no true analysis here.) Either way, you’re commitment to the King Beyond The Wall is pretty badass. You sold it well. However, as The 40 Year Old Virgin has taught us, you should never put the pussy on a pedestal. I know Ygritte wants to jump your bones, but don’t, you know, get decapitated over it or something.

In Which Tyrion Lannister Has Some Daddy Issues & Joffery Lannister’s Going To Have Mommy Issues

The Lannisters are kind of a mess post-Battle of Blackwater. Sure, they think the rule the Seven Kingdoms and everything now, but Tyrion has definitely has quite a bit to recover from. Being a little person these past two seasons in King’s Landing has been rough, but to almost get your face cut off, then have your father tell you that you are pretty much the bane of his existence is a straight kick in the nuts to anyone, no matter how badass you are. I understand Tyrion’s need to further prove himself to his father since no one seems to recognize his accomplishments from Blackwater. I understand the need for him to want to almost stay behind the scenes due to the scar across his face. What I don’t understand, is how all of a sudden Tyrion has seemed to have lost thinking three steps ahead of everyone else. Furthermore, it was extremely awkward to me that he was wary of Cersei of all people. Cersei is not has half as clever as Tyrion is, he should be ready for any and all action from his family. Instead, he’s just wallowing away, which is lame.

Speaking of Cersei, her handle on the throne seems to be weakening as Joffery (agoraphobic or not) seems to be taking a liking to Margaery Tyrell’s public outreach, revealing dresses, and overall just spunky attitude. If she’s the one that breaks Joffery out of his shell instead of Cersei, you better believe that she’s not going to take that lying down. Cersei was wearing a dress partially made of armor for a reason this episode, she is the true HBIC of Westeros, knows it, and wants people to try to come and kill her. That is pretty awesome. Stupid, but awesome. All in all, the Lannisters are just in for a world of bickering until someone decides to kill someone.

In Which Robb Stark Is Still A Momma’s Boy

The scene where Robb visits Harrenhall with Catelyn Stark (his momma-dukes) is pretty revealing in the sense that his opposition are just going on murderfests while he’s searching for battles. He’s got some dissent with his mom since she freed Jamie Lannister to find her daughters, but he tried to be nice. So you gotta give him credit there. He loves his Mom, so that’s cool. It also helps that his current slam piece is a nurse and can help him heal a bunch of almost-dead dudes back to life. So, good for you Robb Stark, your takeover of nothing is leading to nowhere.

In Which Davos Seaworth Has Extreme Sunburn & Wonders If Melisandra’s Curtains Match Her Drapes

Shoutout to Davos for living on a rock for however long. That’s true survival after, you know, almost being burned alive from green flames. Anyway, the fact that he still had the balls to go back to Stannis Baratheon and talk some smack to the woman he saw give crazy demon birth to takes a pair of brass ones. Think about it, he could have just drifted off to death. Been reunited with his son, who he is drastically grieving over. But instead, he says, ‘You know what? I’m going to go trash talk this woman who is burning thousands of prisoners alive, has my BFF’s dick in a vice between her thighs, and occasionally lets weird things emerge from her body to murder dudes in shadows. That’ll do it.’ Pretty much, Davos is like Eddard Stark 2.0. Time can only tell how his dungeon storyline is going to turn out though.

In Which Sansa Stark’s Got Some Trouble Ahead With Littlefinger

Sansa’s pretty comfortable with Tyrion’s kinda sorta girlfriend but really a hooker Shae as her handmaiden. I feel like they just chill out all day and smoke whatever is called weed in Westeros and make up stories about the boats sailing away, as they showed in this episode. However you know for a fact whenever Petyr Baelish, or “Littlefinger” shows up, there’s nothing but trouble ahead. Sure, he’s always been in love with Sansa’s mom and is the Lord of Harrenhall (which is in ruins), but he’s the reason that your dad is dead, Sansa. So you should probably take whatever he says with a grain of salt, right?

In Which Daenerys Targaryen Needs To Just Start Straight Roasting Dudes

I understand the need for Dany to develop an army and build up this incredible power and let her dragons grow before she goes and takes over the entire realm, but come on. Why have that opening sequence where one of the dragons frickin’ roasts a fish in mid-air if you’re not going to have those babies, like, chill on your shoulder like you’re the greatest pirate ever or something? I know one thing is for sure, that dude she was trying to buy an Unsullied army from wouldn’t have talked so much smack about her if she had a DRAGON ON HER SHOULDER! Either way, Dany’s on her way to world domination, and frankly that’s what we all want, right?

Overall, the third season premiere of Game of Thrones was a little slow, not quite as crazy as some previous installments, but gives a great foundation to build off of for the next 10 weeks. There was no Bran Stark, Arya Stark, Jamie Lannister, or Theon Greyjoy in the season premiere, so we’ve got their story lines to look forward to kicking off (hopefully) next week. There’s so much going on in this show that 60 minutes never feels like enough time. Hopefully we’ll get a little bit more action next week and some new characters. Check out next week’s preview below and let me know what you thought of the show either in the comments or on Twitter.

Soul Pancake Will Give You Warm Fuzzies [Sundays Are For Procrastinating]
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