Do “We Have To Talk?” [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,

Why is asking to talk to a guy a big deal? Recently I texted my FWB that I wanted to talk to him, and asked if he had a minute later on in the day. He immediately shot back, “What’s it about? Am I in trouble?” We hadn’t been fighting or anything, so him thinking he was in trouble was apropos of nothing. When I simply explained that it would be easier to talk on the phone than to discuss it via text he then said, “I don’t think I’m going to like this conversation.”

That was a week ago and we still haven’t spoken about what I wanted (which, for the record, was just me inviting him to town to celebrate my bday next weekend). Is it just a bad idea to frame things within the “We need to talk” approach?

Thanks,

Bad News Birthday Girl

Dear Bad News Birthday Girl,

“We have to talk.”

Never, AAAAYVAH, use those words to someone you’re boinking. Or at least don’t let those words be the complete sentence. Put a comma and then finish the damn thought. Leaving it at “we have to talk” will only elicit one primal response: “F*ck!”

I won’t say that it’s right or wrong, but we have all been culturally conditioned to regard the-phrase-that-must-not-be-mentioned as the kiss of death to any form of relationship. It just is. It’s vague, enigmatic, and ominous. You could have the most mundane or positive intention behind saying that phrase. Doesn’t matter. Don’t use it. We take it as a threat and that’s that. You know why? Because we’ve all either been dumped following it or dumped someone after using it.

Think it through! Think about how many people have crushed hearts and squashed dreams by saying that. I’d rather hear a Dalek say'”exterminate” and then vaporize me. It’s a more humane act.

If you have something to talk about then finish the sentence. “We have to talk…about what I want to do for my birthday.”

He’ll call you right back.

Avoiding your “talk,”

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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