Recap: Game of Thrones Season 3, Episode 3 [A Bro’s Thoughts]

After two weeks of introductions and playing catch up, “Walk of Punishment” finally hit the strides that we all know and love from Game of Thrones. A bunch of plots moving forward, some gore, some sex, some action sequences and an awesome ending that will definitely have us tuning in next week. While I don’t feel totally like the previous two weeks were a waste of time, I just feel like if they were on the same pace as this episode, then the start of the third season would have been MAY more engaging.

In Which Jamie Lannister Needs To Work On His People Skills

While I admired the notion and even slight care that Jamie feels for Brienne during this part of their journey together to retrieve Catlyn Stark’s daughters, sometimes you’ve got to outweigh the pros before the cons. Jamie, since everything that has ever come out of his mouth was treated like the Word On High, felt like he could pull a fast one on his captor, Locke, a bannerman of Lord Roose Bolton. It’s almost touching to see Jamie make some sort of attempt at redemption for being such a prick the past two seasons by saving Brienne from a night of raping. But to get his hand cut off as the payment for trying to be a good guy, well, I guess that’s why we keep watching shows like Game of Thrones, huh?

In Which Catelyn Stark & Robb Stark Have Some LOL Moments

I don’t know about you guys, but the whole funeral pyre sequence in the beginning for Catelyn’s father was hysterical to me. Just way to blow it dude. It’s only the King-in-the-North’s mother you’re trying to pay tribute to, buddy. This scene, however, leads to an entirely unintentional moment of hilarity where Robb decides to act like a King for once and give the dude who botched his grandfather’s funeral. Robb, what gives, man? Some episodes, you’re a momma’s boy. Some episodes, you wanna bang your nurse wife. Some episodes, you just wanna chill on your horse. But in all of this, never once have you really acted like a king. You’ve never taken charge, you’ve always been advised what to do. For you to act like you’ve got some Iron balls for the Iron throne now is ridiculous.

In Which Birth Control & Horse Burgers Are Beyond The Wall

After hitting the halfway point during the march back to the Wall, the Night’s Watch has finally come across Craster again. You know, the dude who rapes his daughters to breed more daughters he can rape eventually, and if they birth a boy he throws it in the woods. Yeah. THAT guy. Anyway, Samwell Tarly, the Samwise Gamgee (Lord of the Rings reference, y’all) of Game of Thrones, pretty much volunteered to go see a crowning and a live birthing of his wannabe crush, Gilly. That’s some real life right there. Like, even after seeing that crowning sequence in Knocked Up, I’ve never really looked at pregnant women the same, knowing what’s about to happen to them at the end of 9 months. And Samwell WANTS ON Gilly. Like hard. So much that you can tell he’s considering leaving The Night’s Watch, stealing her and her boy baby away from being thrown to, like, cannibals and whatever, and living a happy ever after. I mean, good for him. But crowning is no joke.

However, everything with Jon Snow is feeling really forced to me. I really don’t care about a bunch of slaughtered horses in cool, geometrical formations. I mean, slaughtered horses in the grand scheme of things add a slight omen to everything, especially when Mance Rayder has decided to go to war with The Night’s Watch, but I mean, I feel like you could be saving up everything Jon Snow related right now, and just throw them into the fourth episode, and fleshed out like, awesome legit characters, like Tyrion.

In Which Tyrion Lannister Is A Motherf*cking P-I-M-P

Tyrion is in charge of all the money at King’s Landing now. What does he do to celebrate? He makes sure his boy Podrick Payne, who saved his life and is pretty much his man-servant, had a FOURWAY for his first time ever, and then is like, ‘Well, finances here suck.’ That’s it. Tyrion was definitely underutilized a bit this episode, but he seems to back to his old, scheming, awesome self. There was a meeting of Lannister family this episode, but not much else from King’s Landing, which surprised me, because it seems like Cersei is being dramatically ignored so far this season. Maybe that’s the point of her character arc, but that’s a whole other topic.

In Which Daenerys Targaryen Decides She’s Got Some Sort Of Plan Because Slavery Is Bad

Apparently Dany wants to take over an entire world with her dragons, but hates it when people are punished. I mean, sure, the whole slave labor thing going on in the city of Astapor is, like, the worst case scenario of everything, but she’s gotta eventually take slaves and stuff if she’s going to be the queen, right? Her bargaining chip of using her most beloved dragon (that she can also speak to) seems super convenient, too. Of course she’s got some kind of trick up her sleeve because, well, this is Dany we’re talking about, but I kind of want to get into the whole slave girl love interest thing. Was anyone else getting that vibe? No? Just me? Okay, I feel creepy now.

In Which Theon Greyjoy Rides A Horse

No, really. That’s it. That’s all he did. It was a cool horse chase/action sequence though, which is why it’s getting it’s own footnote in the recap. He rode a horse, almost got raped by his captors and then the kid from Misfits (which if you haven’t checked out yet, you totally should) killed a bunch of people. I’m really uninterested in Theon right now. I really don’t need to see him trek across the world like Jamie & Brienne right now, because, well, that might be lame.

Anyway, Arya Stark got in a wagon and left behind her useless bread-making friend, Melisandre got in a canoe and left Stannis thirsty as hell for some redhead loving, and there was no Joffery, Sansa, Bran or Tyrells. It was a good episode due to the fact that a lot happened, but because so much happened, some characters only get like 3 minutes in an hour long episode, and that’s just dumb. However, I did come off feeling that this was the best episode of the season so far, much of it having to do with the last 20 minutes. As much as I’m not into the overall pacing of the season so far, I was really into the pacing of this specific episode, you know? Let’s hope it’s more of the same next week. Check out the trailer for next week below and let me know what you think either in the comments or on Twitter.

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