Do His Actions Speak Louder Than His Words? [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,

I’ve always heard the advice that you should pay attention to a guy’s actions more than his words. Is there any truth behind this logic? I feel like if a guy is telling me he’s not interested, but can still be sold on sex, I should probably just accept that he’s “not that into it” instead of telling myself he’s just scared of commitment or is putting up walls.



Dear ???,

In the scenario you’ve given, I would say that the guy’s not afraid of commitment, he’s just not interested in one. However, he’s interested in sex. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, a lot of guys are perfectly willing to sleep with women they have no interest in committing to. You know: casual sex. Because sex can be casual. It’s not intensive or requiring of any effort at all. None. Zero. I’m digressing, aren’t I? Still, I think you’ve hit on the main point: How a man acts is more indicative of what he wants than his words are.

He says one thing and does something that completely contradicts what he said. Is it manipulation? Mindf*cking? Inflicting mental anguish? Obliviousness? Dumbassery? Douchebaggery? Is he a hypocrite or merely absent-minded? In all honesty, aside from some degree of the aforementioned possibilities, he’s probably just someone who says they want one thing but has poor control over his impulses. You know, like most people.

The one thing I question about your question, is it just guys that are like this? I know a ton of women who have a similar modus operandi. They’ll say they don’t want a commitment but still have sex with you. Or they’ll say they want a commitment and then not speak to you for three weeks and be all like, “oh, yeah I tried it and it wasn’t working so I broke up with you.” Without actually breaking up! My favorite of all time was someone who said to me, “I think you’re using me for sex,” WHEN WE WERE BOTH VIRGINS. And SHE was the one who initiated the physical “stuff.” So I don’t think this is necessarily a gender issue. It’s a people issue.

Sex doesn’t necessarily symbolize commitment. Lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of interest. Sometimes it’s the opposite. The trick of it is that you’re dealing with a person. A person that’s just like you: full of irrational contradictions, principles, practices, and pet peeves. Everybody’s neuroses operate differently. Which can make dealing with another human being f*cking frustrating! God, where’s a sonic screwdriver when a group of people try to pick a f*cking restaurant to go to! JUST GO TO WENDY’S ALREADY! Wendy’s = world piece, btw.

So the answer to your question can be summed up by saying: YES, a man’s actions dictate what he wants and YES, a man’s words dictate what he thinks he wants or should want.

That clear enough? No. Then we’re getting somewhere…

Reporting for reprogramming,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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