magnifier menu chevron-left chevron-right chevron-up comment chevron-up chat_bubble_outline2 share thumbs-up thumbs-down chevron-down

Should You Tell Someone That They’re Bad in Bed? [Sexy Time]


I was brunching with some ladies the other day, and naturally the conversation turned to guys and sex. Unfortunately, some of the girls have been experiencing some really bad sexual juju. They’ve encountered guys who are really small (and have no idea what to do with it), guys who really selfish, and guys who are painfully experienced and clueless. These were guys they’d been casually dating for brief periods of time, and the lame sex was pretty much the final nail in the coffin. I have to give these girls props for not pulling a disappearing act before cutting off contact. They all told their respective gentlemen that things just weren’t working out, and (if the guy was actually cool outsidse of the bedroom) that they’d rather pursue platonic friendships with them. But I wonder if it’s appropriate to tell someone that they’re abysmal in bed and it was a massive turn off.

I’m generally a proponent of open and straightforward conversation, to the point where sometimes I’m perceived as being overly blunt. I never intend to use honesty as a tool to hurt anyone, but I really hate hemming and hawing and excessive sugarcoating when I try to talk to someone. I mean, the whole point of communicating is to get a point across, and if the point gets lost in a whole bunch of irrelevant nothingness, then it’s a total waste. In my very inexperienced days, when I was hooking up with more experienced dudes, I would have really appreciated some feedback. Like, how else am I going to know that most guys don’t have sensitive nipples (I do, so I thought I’d reciprocate on nipple sucking…ugh, the retroactive embarrassment), or that my blowjobs were a little dry, or whatever?

I wish that one of them had told me that maybe the reason why they couldn’t even bother to sustain a FWB arrangement with me was because the benefits I was offering sucked. I think, as long as you don’t say it too harshly, and don’t necessarily make it sound like the person who sucks is the world’s worst person because of it, some people would agree with me that constructive criticism is welcome in this instance.

On the other hand, sexual preferences are so subjective. A person who can’t find the clit might be a match for a lady who can’t deal with direct clitoral stimulation. And there are guys out there who really like a little extra friction with their BJs. It would be pretty presumptuous to assume that just because you weren’t into it that hardly anyone else would be too. And if you have sex with someone and it’s so bad that you can’t even stand the thought of going on another date with them, then why would you even share your opinion? If you’re not going to offer a chance for retribution, it may just come across as mean-spirited and callous.

Really, I think both perspectives are totally valid. If I found myself in a hookup that was going poorly, and the guy couldn’t understand my verbal or physical cues, I probably would just give a generic “I don’t think we’re compatible” as the reason why I didn’t see a future. While I do appreciate and crave honesty, I do think it tends to be received better once a layer of trust and intimacy has been formed. Tell me what you think? Is it acceptable to be somewhat brutally honest to someone you’re only casually seeing?

Mariah Carey's closet is what I see when I dream at night. Email me at stilettosandpearlnecklaces [at]!