What Should All Women Know About Men? [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,

What should all women know about men? With women there are a few rules of thumb that generally hold true — “I’m not jealous” means we’re definitely at least a little jealous; nothing comes between us, our extra-comfy pajamas and our favorite TV show; we will always stop to pet a cute puppy. What would you say are some universal truths for men?


Looking for a Cheat Sheet

Dear Looking for a Cheat Sheet,

Wow. THOSE are the universal truths about women? I would have thought the phrase “I’m fine” was code for “I’m not fine and be really f*cking careful of what you say next,” was the universal truth. The puppies make sense. Same with the lounging in PJs. Well, let’s see, you gave me 3 rules of thumb, lets see what I’m allowed to divulge…

Penis beats brain 99 out of 100 times.
Did you really need to be told that? Let’s face it, we’re a walking, dangling, external cliché for a reason: IT’S A FACT OF LIFE! We’re led by libido. We act in its best interest. We can be Pavlovian trained get a hard-on every time we floss. Seriously, a lady-friend of mine figured out how to do it to me after watching HIMYM (damn you, Allison Hannigan! Except not, cause you’re like an awesome pixie capable of mass destruction) But yeah, we’re susceptible, easily influenced by, and have difficulty thinking rationally, when appeals are made to our sex drive. Not saying we’re always “up” for it. Not advocating this is civilized or respectable. Not arguing that we can’t come up with some modicum of control so we’re not just trying to stick it in anything (ANYTHING) that shows interest. Just sayin’, we got two heads, and the lower one’s in the cockpit of our actions/reactions. Laws of thermal dynamics be damned!

We ALWAYS look at other women
Boom! Sorry! Think you’re the only one keeping his attention? Nope. Not even close. When in doubt, we look. We look too long. We look to often. We have thoughts. We fantasize. We wonder if we can get her into a threesome with you. My grandfather, a sage of the highest order, once told me: “The day I stop lookin’ is the day you can bury me.” So don’t think you’re special when you some other dude turns to take a peek. You’re not special, in the words of the 176-0 Bill Goldberg, “you’re next!”

All men procrastinate
Don’t get me wrong. I know some women who put things off. But ALL men procrastinate. We find something to drag our Hobbit feet on. Whether its work. Calling our parents. Paying the cable bill. Going to the doctor to get a check up. Going to the gym to do 10 minutes on a treadmill, or stationary bike. Taking out the garbage. Doing the dishes. Getting the remote to change the channel. Clipping our toenails before they have the capacity to open cans-SOMETHING! Every guy’s got something he takes his sweet ass time to do. Just accept you might be waiting longer than Amy Pond.

Boobs? Oooooooooooooh YEAH!
FREAK OUT, FREAK OUT, FREAK OUT! Yeah, let me tell you somethin’, every mAAAN-is obsessed with a woman’s chest. NO EXCEPTIONS!!!-Yeah, you just got to deal with it, you know what I’m talking about? Cause we don’t have ‘em, see? And what we don’t have WE WANT! Watch me Hulk Hogan. Watch Ultimate Warrior, Roddy, Piper, Andre the Giant, Jake the Snake- AND ALL OF YA! Cause there is one King in the World Wrestling Federation, and that is the mammaries. DIG IT!

Sorry, when my allergies kick in I get a little “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

Bottom line: Boobs rule. We love them. We obsess over them. They override all thought. Why? Beats me. Some kind of biological and socially conditioned response. Goes back to the corsets in Europe and all the way through Bettie Page up to Jesse Jane. We all love boobs. Not just straight men, either. Gay men are also fascinated by them but for different (mostly) reasons.

So there you have a few rules that keep us under thumb. Use them…wisely.


Dude Lannister

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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