After writing the two best episodes of the last two seasons (“The Pointy End,” or the one where Joffery shows his real douche colors & “Blackwater,” the awesome battle episode where Tyrion saved the day), A Song of Ice & Fire series creator George R.R. Martin tried to go three for three with “The Bear & The Maiden Fair.” But frankly, by only including three story lines and progressing them only so slightly, it kind of let me down. Trying to follow up the past two weeks of awesome from Game of Thrones is hard to do, and it further confirms my theory that George R.R. Martin should quit writing screenplays and start working on the sixth book to the series instead.
In Which Jon Snow Attempts To Flirt And Ygritte Tolerates It Cause She Loves The D
After making it over The Wall, Jon Snow has the distinct pleasure of teaching culture to the Men Beyond the Wall, his homegirl/slam piece Ygritte included. The funny part about Ygritte though, is that even though she put out for Jon Snow, she’s not like advertising that she’s on the market or anything. It kind of threw me off guard when one of the Men Beyond The Wall made a pass at her because, well, you know that she’s locked up. I don’t know if this was supposed to show that the Men Beyond the Wall still don’t trust Jon Snow, but it was just kind of out of left field. However, it was kind of welcome for Ygritte to truly step into her role as comic relief for an entire episode while talking about lighthouses and maidens and history. I actually chuckled a few times, which I don’t think I’ve ever done besides a Tyrion-one-liner here or there.
In Which Tyrion Lannister Has Got 99 Problems And They’re All Women
Speaking of the best Lannister ever (Jamie’s giving him a run for his money, but we’ll get to that next), Tyrion’s got some women problems like whoa. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a TV character get rejected as hard as Shae went in on Tyrion in this episode. You know that he was coming from a genuine place, you know that he has been doing his best with her by placing her with Sansa Stark hoping that she would catch on how royalty operates, and understand that he doesn’t want to marry Sansa, but has to. His conversation with Bronn prior to meeting with Shae may have given him a guilty conscience since Sansa is so innocent and the idea of having to have kids with her isn’t appalling, but rather, inappropriate.
Also, a big thumbs down for Margaery Tyrell for telling Sansa Stark to pretty much spread her legs and take it. That’s the worst BFF move ever. I’m not one for slut-shaming, but even just because you’re making sure that you get it in the most gentlest way from Joffery so you can be queen doesn’t mean you gotta tell Sansa to do the same. Let the girl live her life! YOU DON’T KNOW HER!
In Which Jamie Lannister Is BRO OF THE YEAR 2k13 BECAUSE HE FOUGHT A BEAR WITH ONE HAND
All of the feels go to Jamie and Brienne of Tarth. Just when you thought that Jamie couldn’t get any higher on the redemption scale 2k13, he decided to uphold his deal/friendship/future love interest with Brienne and save her life from Roose Bolton’s douchebag buddies. The fact that honor and potential bromance with Brienne was more important to Jamie than running back to King’s Landing, Cersei, his father and adoration showed how far he’s come as a character. After tonight, in my mind, he’s neck and neck with Tyrion in the ‘Best Lannister Ever’ contest. We’ve only got three episodes left to see who will end up on top, but if Jamie stays on this path, he’ll be the surefire No 1 seed.
In Which Robb Stark Has Got A Baby Momma
Talk about some gratuitous nudity this episode. I mean, it has been awhile since we’ve seen sex on GOT, so I guess that’s cool. While Robb’s wife Talisa is a smokeshow that really has only had her clothes off when she has any kind of significant dialogue, I guess it’s cool that’s how she told Robb that she’s preggers. However, I can’t imagine that will help Robb’s case when he goes to House Grey to try and get more troops after he ditched the original deal of marrying one of his daughters for Talisa. If she’s got a baby bump when they show up there, I’m calling a murderfest. You heard it here first.
In Which Theon Greyjoy Loses His Balls (Literally)
Talk about the worst form of torture ever. You’ve gotta give credit where credit is due though, he totally resisted two naked girls grinding up on him. Malnourished or not, that’s a hard thing to do. (Tee Hee.) Anyway, he got all worked up, was at full mast, only for his boner to betray him and give his torturers a stencil on genital removal. Like I’ve said in previous weeks, naked ladies or not, I’m not really into these Theon sequences and I don’t know where they’re going with it. It’s getting a little hard to watch.
In Which Tywin Lannister Puts Joffery In His Little Bitchy Place
God, that was a satisfying sequence. Especially after last week’s murder ending. As much as I can’t stand either of these Lannisters, just seeing Joffery squirm on the throne because he was whining was worth tuning in this week. Seriously. Timestamp it. GIF it. Record it. Put it on the internet. We hate Joffery, and everyone else does, too.
In Which Bran Stark Gets Some Real Life Advice Because Visions Are Stupid
Nothing is really going on with Bran Stark besides seeing things, going to the next forest, hunting for some food, and repeating the process. So big ups to Osha for making the crew, especially the delusional Reeds realize that it’s not all fun and games when you’re just scraping by to survive. If we were gonna hand out an award for ‘Realest N*gga in Westeros’ award, Osha just won it. I’m not even kidding. Her monologue was harrowing, realistic and frankly, a life lesson.
In Which Dany Stormborn Celebrates Mother’s Day The Most Badass Way Ever
I don’t think it was lost on HBO that this episode was airing on Mother’s Day with this sequence. Not only does Dany decide to threaten the entire town of Yunkai by taking their gold, she also had her dragons defend her, make her looks awesome and scare the pants off everyone around her. She is the true Mother of Dragons and this Yunkai town is in trouble with the roll Daenerys Is on right now. She just took over two cities, got an army, her dragons are getting bigger and she’s growing more and more confident in her leadership skills everyday. For lack of a better term, this Yunkai city is f*cked.
Overall, it was kind of a slower paced episode with more check-ins on characters than actual developments or plots moving forward. Besides Jamie, nothing too exciting happened. (Sidenote, I didn’t mention Arya & Gendry because they were on screen for less than 5 minutes combined in just pointless screen time.) At least we got some sex this week though, right? (Even if it was weird sex, it’s a start.) With only three episodes left in the season, I’m expecting some major crap to hit the fan and everything going absolutely bonkers. Let me know if you thought this episode was so-so as well either in the comments or on Twitter. Check out the preview for next week below: