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I Have A Hair On My Boob


I have a hair on my boob. Just one. A single hair above the nip, that’s about a centimeter or two long. It dangles. It taunts me. I go from being indifferent about my single boob hair to wondering if inside of my boob I have one of those scary-cancer-hairball-tumor things.

A guy I used to bone ripped it out once. He finds this hilarious. It is hilarious because what he doesn’t know is that this a tell-tale sign that I am becoming a wolf.

Those who mock the titty wolf hair will be ravenously savaged.

Sometimes I comb it.

Sometimes I pretend my boobs are lasers in the shower and point them at things and shout, “pew pew.” The boob hair distorts the image that my cha-chas are laser beams. It saddens me.

Sometimes I pluck it.

Sometimes I wish I had health insurance so I can get a mammogram.

I read somewhere it’s common to have boob hair but is it common to half wolf boob hair? I don’t have a primary care physician so I’ll never know.

I have course hair but relax it so it is less so. I do not relax my boob hair. It dangles like a spiral.

It curves at the end and looks like the leg of a daddy long leg spider.

I googled searched “boob hair” and there was no fill-in. I can only assume I am the only person on the planet with boob hair or who is a wolf. This saddens me.

Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.