Can We Be More Than Slambuddies? [Ask A Dude]

Dear Dude,

I’ve been friends with this guy for 5 years. At the beginning, he always texted me about hanging out and coming over to watch movies and cuddle, but I was immature and afraid and always said no. A year passed, we got closer, and I ended up staying the night with him a couple times. Some time passed, we talked almost every day, I started to fall for him. We spent some drunken nights cuddling and messing around, but nothing serious. I had never had sex or even come close, and I wanted to take it slow. We saw each other on and off for about a year since we weren’t living that close to each other.

He was great with me — he understood that I was afraid and eased me into things, pushing a little but never too much. I got to a point when I wanted sex, but not with someone I wasn’t dating…and he didn’t want to date me. Finally I caved. So now we’re having sex but he’s not cuddling anymore. Sometimes I feel like we really are friends and sometimes I just feel like a slambuddy. I want more out of this, but I’m not sure how to get it. Any advice?

Sincerely,

Un-cuddled

Dear Un-Cuddled,

You blurred the lines and now seem to be getting bludgeoned. You can’t trick or wean or suggest him into giving more than he’s willing to give. You have to make it clear what you want. You want more? Tell him.

There’s only so much you can control in this situation. You made the choice to “cave.” You gave. You got. Now you want things to change so you can give and get more. Which is fine and dandy, except the risk is that you have to give him his choice.

I’m not saying you have to put him to an ultimatum but you do need to make him aware. You have to choose to express what you’re not getting but need and what you are getting and want more of. If you don’t then you’re the one getting hurt, not him. The tough part about your situation is that it sounds like you’re worried that you’ve got everything to lose…and maybe you don’t.

You’ve had quite the journey, on and off, near and afar, friends and more than, it’s a chaotic ride at the end of the day. You’ve got no boundaries. You don’t have walls to protect you and keep this thing on course. You need to make sure that you’re both on the same page. If you know where you are then you can figure out how to get where you want to be.

It’s really as simple as that. Clarify. Communicate. Chat. Figure out what you are and aren’t, then talk about what you want to be. Then you’ll hear what he wants to be. Hopefully those things will match up nicely. No guarantees but at the very least you won’t feel lost in your arrangement. You will know exactly where you stand with each other and you’ll get the P word: perspective.

We all make choices. The goal is to make choices that are best for us. Make the choice to figure out what’s going on so that you’ll understand what you’re options are to get more of what you want.

Lawyered!

Dude Erickson

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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