On Falling for a Friend and Holding Out for Someone Special [Dear DBN]

Acknowledging your feelings is one thing – having the capacity to stand by them is another.  This week, how to listen to what you’re really feeling.

I told my best friend of 7+ years I had developed feelings for her in the interest of being honest (wouldn’t it have been worse to omit it and proceed to act weird when she dates?). She doesn’t feel the same and that’s okay but now she thinks I’m not capable of being “just” her best friend. There is so much more to this story but my question to you is what should I do? Give space and time? Try to prove I can still be her friend? Or let this be the end of a friendship that means so much to me?

I’ve heard quite enough about her, love.  What about you?  You have feelings for someone you love dearly and she doesn’t feel the same – put the friendship aside for a moment and consider your heart.  Of course you don’t want to lose her, but you also don’t want to lose your mind.  You acknowledged yourself that you would “proceed to act weird” when she starts bringing other romantic interests around.  You aren’t capable of being just her friend, even if you wish you were.  I am very proud of you for having the courage to admit your feelings to her, but now you have to admit your feelings to yourself.

Humans are idiots and no one in the history of time has ever listened to this advice and been OK with it, but you need to separate yourself from this girl to give yourself time to heal.  You can’t sweep these feelings under the rug of friendship and hope they stay there.  Feelings are like a fungus – you hide them in a cool, dark place and they get out of control.  Air them out on your own and come back to the friendship when you’re ready.  Tell this bestie of yours that she’s right – you need some time and space to move on.  You’ve already shown courage, now it’s time to show strength.

I am in my mid-twenties and waiting to have sex until I know it’s with the right person. Guys have turned me down in the past because they wanted to have sex earlier on. At first, they respected my wishes to remain a virgin out of caution. However, I don’t think they liked this idea and moved on. My question is: Is it wrong to hold out for the “right person?” Do you think I’m being foolish in hoping that there’s a “right person” for me? Do you think “future me” thank or despise me for this?

Hope in itself is a rather foolish sentiment, but can you imagine the horror of living without it?  I think Future You will look back with fondness and warmth at how you made a decision for yourself and stuck to it.  Maybe Future You will laugh and shake your head, maybe Future You will say thank god for waiting, but let’s talk about the current you, the you that is reconsidering her decision because of the actions of others.  Firstly, if you want to reconsider, that is nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s your life and your body and you can do as you please with it.  But secondly, I don’t think you want to.  It sounds to me like you’re getting peer pressured and feeling nervous that this “right person” might not exist.  Honey, we’re all worried that “right person” doesn’t exist.  And I can assure you that most of us did not lose our virginity to that person, and we made it out OK.  Sex is a physical act mammals participate in to procreate.  It’s also fireworks and passion and life-altering orgasms.  Sometimes sex with the “right person” is heartbreaking.  Sometimes sex with the “wrong person” is one of the best nights of your life.  But the question you’re facing is the same question you’ll face for the rest of your life: do I want to have sex with this person?  Even with the right person, the answer isn’t always yes.  Listen to your body, listen to instincts, and when the time is right, you and you alone will know, and the spectrum of right to wrong may have nothing to do with it.  You have a lot to look forward to.  Take all the time you need.

Can We Be More Than Slambuddies? [Ask A Dude]
Can We Be More Than Slambuddies? [Ask A Dude]
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