No Asians? But what if an Asian is exactly what we need to spice up our relash? Zayn Malik is the most beautiful man alive and he is partially of Asian decent. What if a little Asian swag is exactly what will do the trick?
OK, let’s start from the beginning, Amber, no need to get ahead of yourself. My boyfriend, let’s call him “Joe,” and I had been talking about having a threesome with another guy. Joe doesn’t mind other Ds although he has never partaken in the fruits of another man’s loins. My thoughts were, “Two Ds were better than one. Ride this pony, Amber!”
At first I thought we were just talking to heat things up a bit but the more we talked the more serious we got about it and decided to post an ad on Craigslist. Yeah, Craigslist. Put your judge-y eyes away, girl, the look is not cute. We didn’t want to hookup with a friend because we thought things might get weird afterward.
When posting on Craigslist we wanted to tailor the ad to be as perfect as possible. I mean you don’t want to hold a casting call for Zayn Malik or Ryan Gosling then end up with Seth Rogen, right? I don’t need someone making awkward jokes when I am trying to be a sensual woman.
We thought if there was ever a time to be weirdly specific with physical features, it would be now. We were inviting a stranger into our bed, no freaks, thank you. Joe and I then started crafting our perfect man. He had to be taller than me but not taller than Joe because we are shallow like that. He had to be no more than two years older or one year younger than us. (We’re both nineteen.) He couldn’t be a virgin or a Leo because I’m a Leo and two Leos would get too attention whore-y, yeah I said it. I didn’t need Joe’s attention unevenly divided.
The more we started talking the more detailed we got and then Joe brought up something that I never, ever think about in terms of my attraction to other dudes: race. I said, “Oh, I don’t really care about that thing as long as he’s hot.” Then Joe said, “I don’t care either just no Asian guys.”
This completely caught Amber off guard. I get that everyone has a type but is Asian or Black or White really a type so much as just like a color? Can colors be off putting? I guess I don’t like chartreuse all that much . . .
It made me feel uncomfortable and I have a super big mouth so I bluntly said, “That’s racist!” He looked at me like I was crazy. Of course Joe wasn’t a racist he had Asian friends . . . that makes you not a racist, right?
“Why do you have a problem with Asian guys?” I asked him. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I’m just not into it.” He’s just not into it, like people were Starbucks Flavored Coffees you preferred, hazelnut or pumpkin spice or sugar free.
I get it, we were being super shallow before about size and personality and experience but that’s only because we wanted to keep our egos in check, it was more about us than about the person. It just struck me as totally jerky to pencil out an entire race of potentially big, debonair Ds with secret moves just because . . . you’re not into it?
My big mouth kept running and I kept pushing the question, “What’s wrong with Asian guys?! What’s wrong with Asian guys?!” Until finally he blurted out, “I think they’re ugly.”
“That’s racist!” I shouted. I know, Amber needs to get her Oxford Dictionary out because she does not know what the word “racist” means. I stormed out of the coffee shop we were in and left. He didn’t come after me I don’t think.
Needless to say I was so turned off by Joe’s “Closed Door Policy” that I decided I wasn’t that into him and his prejudiced bullshit.