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What Your Pubes Say About You


Confession: I don’t shave my pubes. I don’t wax my pubes. I am au natural and yes, it’s like a jungle down there. Real talk, there have been dudes who have told me that my V looks gross because of this, which is just plain rude. Most guys don’t do anything to their pubes so why should I? I was born this way. Amber is going to be as gorgeous as God intended her to be, which is pretty gorgeous if you ask me. I don’t hate on any of the girls (or guys) who landscape their genitals, in fact from what I know about my friends and their genitals there’s a lot you can tell about a person from their pubes.

Based on scientific evidence, like, my life, you know, here’s what your pubes say about YOU:


Maybe you’re a feminist, maybe you’re not into conforming into society’s beauty standards but really, probably, you’re just super lazy or broke. Buying razors, which are ridiculously overpriced, getting bikini waxed, which is ridiculously overpriced, shaving in all kinds of directions, commuting to the wax place . . . boring, you’d rather eat pizza or do corn rows on your pubes.

The Landing Strip

You’re not going to go full bush because you think that’s impolite. You’re still a little self conscious about guys going down on you but you don’t want to look like a giant baby. You probably shop at Ann Taylor Loft and like minimalistic and geometric designs. You prefer clean, white spaces and medium tempo indie rock. You’re attracted to Adam from Girls. 

The Brazillian

You’re almost completely bald but you keep a tiny patch of hair to remember you’re human and not a Stepford Wife or Nicole Kidman. You wonder everyday, while sipping a Pumpkin Spice Latte and watching Gilmore Girls if you should just get rid of the patch? Does he care that I have a tiny patch of hair? Does he notice that I have man shoulders and big pores and that my nail beds suck or that I have really bad breath in the morning? You’ve woken up before him and put “natural” makeup on so that he doesn’t see that you’re really a Shrek-like monster without a slight cat eye. Hilary Duff’s second album ‘Dignity’ is your favorite album but you tell people you actually like something cool and relevant like Vampire Weekend of The National. Are you crying because it rains or does it rain because you cry?

The Hollywood

You’re a giant baby—just kidding but you do like Katy Perry who goes out of her way to look like a huge titted toddler because infantalizing women is totally what guys are into. The more you act and look like a child the more guys will like you, you know this but you’re not a dumb dumb. You’re a future HBIC, like Miss Katy Perry, who will use her beauty and intelligence to crush the souls of the male dominated hierarchy. You’re like Anna Wintour or Madonna. You’re playing the game but you know what the game means and you’re playing to win. You don’t listen to music unless you’re at the gym, in which case you only listen to Beethoven because you like the challenge. You don’t eat carbs you get your energy from sucking it out of souls and your iPhone charger. You are a God. Or you just like bald vaginas, whatever.

The Lightning Bolt

Girl, you got jokes.

[Image Via. Shutter Stock / haveseen]