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Would You Pay $119 For A CW ‘Originals’ Juice ‘Blood’ Cleanse?


Gilt City is selling a $119 The Originals juice blood cleanse like anyone actually asked for it. The show hasn’t even aired yet and while I am sure many Vampire Diaries fans are excited for the spin-off let’s wait a while before we start creating lame marketing schemes to financially exploit diehard TVD fans.

The cleanse is 3 days long and includes:

– Three 9 AM Morning Ritual juices
– Three 12 PM Howl at the Noon juices
– Three 3 PM Kale or be Kaled juices
– Three 5 PM Blood Sugar juices
– Three 8 PM Heart of Darkness juices

Gilt City believes these juices can make you IMMORTAL, “Now you can suck down blood like The Originals  Klaus and your other favorite vampires with this whole food juice cleanse by Joulebody. They’ll make you feel like you could live forever.”

Yes, drinking the blood of humans is similar to a nutritious, fruit and veggie blend. Whenever Klaus sips a DNA cocktail he usually says to himself, “This totally reminds me of that Naked: Green Machine smoothie I got from Whole Foods.”

INGREDIENTS NOT FOR MERE MORTALS: “These are not mere mortal juices: healthful ingredients include flax, chia seeds, turmeric, cayenne pepper, peppermint leaf and fennel to help your body run at its peak.”

Are these beguiling potions part of some witches brew? CHIA SEEDS? EYE OF NEWT? ME DOTH PROTEST CAYENNE PEPPER SATANIC.

They would not grant mortality without stupid clever names: “On the menu, you’ll find juices like the ‘Kale or Be Kaled,’ ‘Howl at The Noon,‘ and ‘Blood Sugar,’ all of which are brimming with fresh ingredients. These juices will keep you on the prowl morning through the night—and perhaps make you feel a little superhuman yourself.”

Kale kind of sounds like “kill,” you guys except not at all. “Blood sugar,” is a funny pun because our blood sugar levels impact our mood, hormones and metabolism. =| Get it? Klaus is hypoglycemic that’s why he is so moody. Fan or not, scheme or not, I am not paying $120 for some jooooooose.

    Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.