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How Do You Know You’re In The Friend Zone? [Ask A Dude]


Dear Dude,

This lovely boy and I have been talking practically 24/7 for the past three months. We’ve been out on a few dates, and have met up when we have been out drinking. I really, really like this boy, and I feel like he likes me back. I get drunk texts, random little love hearts, he texts me between his sets at gym, and he stops playing video games to talk to me.

It got to the point where his mate asked my best friend if we were hooking up because we were talking so much (which we weren’t). However, he has not tried anything at all (no kiss – nothing, zilch). Should I tell him how I feel? Or have I been seriously friend-zoned without even realizing?!


Fearfully friend-zoned

Dear Fearfully friend-zoned,

Have you passed GO to the Friend Zone but didn’t know it? By all accounts I’d say there’s an unfortunate likelihood that you have. However, I would say that you shouldn’t completely lose hope yet.

The Friend Zone can be trickier to navigate than the Bermuda Triangle, the hedge maze at the end of “The Shining,” and an arena by the Gamemakers all rolled into one. Down becomes up before you can realize that you’re behind your front. It’s all wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, don’t worry about the emotional physics of the place just know that it’s near inescapable once you’re inside. Whatever you do, don’t blink.

There are a few ways to tell if you’re in the friend zone:

1. If he’s setting you up on dates with his mates (I’m assuming it’ll be one mate at a time)
2. He farts in front of you.
3. At parties or gatherings he uses you as a wingman or ignores you to go chat up some competition.
4. When he’s drunk he never makes a move or hints that you should.
5. His name’s Bruce Wayne.

The boy’s made no concrete overtures. No kiss? Zilch, right? No sign is usually a bad sign. A couple things you should keep in mind: Has he hooked up or gone out or stayed in with anyone else since you’ve been, talking? Does he talk to you about other birds he might fancy? Does he has for your advice on said birds? Does he have a scar shaped like a lighting bolt on his forehead (this does not necessarily pertain to your question but if the answer is “yes” then there’re more important things we should be talking about here!)
If he doesn’t bend your ear about girls he’s into then most likely you’re not too far trapped inside the FZ. If he does, well, yeesh.

The flirting bits are encouraging. Although you should take them with only a few grains of salt. For some people flirting is their default mode of social interaction. They do it because it’s easier for them than not flirting. Particularly people who’ve been raised at cocktail parties or obsessed over “The Great Gatsby,” not that there’s really much of a love story in there to study (sorry, Baz, you were actually reading “Wuthering Heights” and got the time periods mixed up).

If you want to know if he’s into you then the quickest way at this point is to put yourself out there a bit. Timid guys or at least a guy intimidated by a gal he gushes over on the inside might be a bit gunshy. So utilize your second amendment right to pull the trigger yourself. Yes, to find a definite answer I would recommend that you make a move. Don’t force it, don’t manipulate the circumstances so that you’re waiting for him on the observation deck of the Empire State Building (why not go with a classic…and if you don’t get that reference “avada kedavra”!). The next drunken hangout try to hook up and see what happens. You can chalk it up to the alcohol and pretend it never happened or you might be waking up next to him in the morning…a pineapple on the nightstand is optional.

Awaiting further instructions,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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