“Ask A Slut” is the column where we turn to sexually-liberated women to answer the tough questions about sex. We mean the kind of questions that that we can’t answer because we’re such good girls. We love our sluts, though, partly because we support the feminist fight against societal double standards. And also because good girls like sex, but we sometimes need helpful advice–and who better to ask than our sexual pioneers in the sisterhood…
Why are guys obsessed with anal sex? My boyfriend is always trying to go for the surprise anal, and I’ve never done it before and don’t appreciate him trying to sneak it in. If it’s really a big deal to guys, though, I might be willing to try it. I guess I just want to understand the fixation a little better and I’m too afraid to ask my bf.
It’s the first column, and we’re already heading straight into what some of us consider the final frontier. That’s the kind of delicate subject that requires the insight of a lady like Rachel Kraemer Bussel. She has a degree from Berkeley in Women’s Studies, but what she knows about sex is far from academic. It takes some hands-on experience to be the editor of both He’s on Top: Erotic Stories of Male Dominance and Female Submission and She’s on Top: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance and Male Submission.
In fact, Rachel has edited over 30 volumes of fine erotica–and her new Big Book of Orgasms anthologizes quality writing that’s also inspirational. And the topic of doing it down there comes up, too, of course. This column goes over to Rachel now…
Anal sex is attractive in part because it’s taboo. It seems extra exciting because for many people it’s not an everyday activity. But it’s also not something that should be sprung on someone as a surprise. Not only is it safer when your body and mind are prepared for it, it’s hotter with a little bit of preparation, mental and physical. One of the main things you’ll need is lube; this should also help with the mental aspect because anal sex, just like any other kind of sex, shouldn’t hurt. Lube will help ease you into it.
Some guys are also into anal because the sensation is different than with vaginal intercourse, and the combination of those two things can set them off. But you don’t have to go from zero to full-on anal right away. If you’re curious, you can try touching yourself there on your own and seeing how it feels, or using a toy with a flared base (so it doesn’t get stuck inside you) on the outer puckered part or inside of you. If you like it and tell your guy about it, he will surely want to help further your exploration.
If you do want to explore with him, tell him he has to ease you into things. Have him start by giving your entire ass the deluxe treatment. Have him squeeze your cheeks, giving them a massage, while you wait patiently. Have him tease your pucker slowly with a finger, just on the outside, while you get used to the sensation. Then he can add lube and, if you’re game, start to ease it inside. You may want to use a vibrator on yourself at the same time, or have him use his other hand to touch you. Tell him how it feels and make sure he knows that you are in charge. You can also experiment with butt plugs, which come in various sizes, some of which have vibrators built inside. You could wear one during intercourse or other activities as a way to prepare you if you want to go on to have his penis inside you.
Don’t ever go directly from having something in your ass to putting it in your vagina. Condoms are strongly recommended for anal sex, for STI protection and ease of cleanup. If you are using one, change condoms if you’re switching from anal to vaginal intercourse. Check out the book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino for more information.
Anal sex is also an act that offers equal opportunity fun. You can turn the tables and explore him back there too, which some men find extremely pleasurable. Only do it if you want to try it, too!