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There’s A Christian Grey Merman Christmas Ornament


There’s a Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey Merman Christmas Ornament which presumably is also available for Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Ramadan. The regular price is $35.00 but if you act now you can get the sexiest merman ornament for just $28.00. According to the description, your sexy Christian Grey sea dweller is, “Hand painted and glittered,” and a studly 7 inches tall.

Look at that chest hair. It’s like, damn, I don’t normally want to have intercourse with ornaments but his mandingo is so life-like, you know? It’s like damn, I typically would not spend more than $1.99 on a Christmas ornament but I did not know an ornament that is both hand painted and glittered could perfectly capture the beauty of a fictional character from an erotic, S&M fan fiction novel. I’m like damn, Mer-Christian, you don’t have to tease me by just revealing a tiny bit of that body under that business casual button down. How do you look so effortlessly handsome and majestically aquatic? $28.99? What a steal. What a, fucking, steal.

After wanting to marry an acrylic ornament for the first time and possibly awakening some sort of sexual preference I have for sea creatures, I decided to make a merman of my own . . . Jamie Dornan, the real Christian Grey, unless he decides to quit the film like everyone else. But for now this is the only merman we need, AMIRITE?

But if Mer-Christian Grey isn’t your type there’s a merman for all your weird aquatic. Mmmm.

Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.