On Creating Your Own Happiness [Dear DBN]

Relationships are often made out to be the root of all joy in life, and they sure can be great, but there are millions of people on this planet laughing and smiling all by themselves. This week, it’s time to remember your happiness is yours to create.

“This last year I’ve searched hard for a relationship. I found one with a wonderful man. He is lovely…. But I don’t feel that into it. I don’t get weak kneed when we kiss and I’m not into fooling around (although the sex is good). I keep waiting for something to develop because I’m afraid to throw this away and would also be sad to lose him. I finally found someone who is totally into me and treats me right after sifting through all the shit! Am I crazier to stick around or cut and run?”

Darling, what is it that you want? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want to feel weak in the knees? Because what this comes down to is literally a want – you don’t need either. This isn’t shelter or safety, this is cashmere versus wool, and you’re allowed to arbitrarily declare a preference. You’re not conjoined twins. You’re not family. You’re not even coworkers. There’s literally no bind between you that is defined by learning to love him. So why do it? For health insurance? For cheaper rent? For company at dinner? Honey bear, there is more to life than that. Is companionship amazing and fulfilling? Of course. But you know what’s even more amazing? Companionship that’s rooted in being enamored. It’s the difference between someone being your friend and someone being your BEST FRIEND FOREVERRRR LOVE YOU BETCH YOU SEXY PROFESSIONAL BADASS, except you can find your BFF when you already have friends. You don’t exactly have free reign to find the love of your life when you’re dating someone else.

You searched for a relationship and got one. Great job. But you’re not into it, you don’t get butterflies, you don’t like fooling around with him, and you’re just waiting around for it to get better? Your call, but if it’s not an obligation and it doesn’t pay the bills… what’s the point?

“I don’t know if I want to ask or just share, but… I loved. For 10 years. Truly and deeply as my little heart could take. He was charming. He was complicated. He had the most beautiful smile in the world. In this laugh you could hear everything – passion, sex, drugs, darkness, happiness. We had been together for two weeks. I loved him for 10 years. Almost half of my life. He passed away before two months. And, so.. Who I am now? When all my life I was this girl dreaming about happy ending with him.”

Life can be so dark, and you when you are swallowed by the shadows, you must find a way to glow. Glow quietly at first, dim in the night like a candle in the window, faint and unnoticed by any passerby. Glow stronger then, like a streetlight in an alley guiding home the lone hurried footsteps afraid of their own echo. And then glow with hope, like the indigo on the edge of the horizon just shy of the dawn and the day. Glow with your whole being, like a rising sun until the shadows that haunted you are cozy patches in the grass under trees where you carved his name. Glow brighter and brighter ‘til the darkness is a refuge and the pain is a memory where you rest when you’re weary.

So love him still, because your ending with him was happy. Love him still because you can hear his laugh and see the whole world. Love him still because his chapter was so long and so beautiful and so wrought with learning and growing and loss.  But love yourself, dear, because the only thing to do when your dreams come true and end, is build your heart new dreams.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

9 Tell-Tale Signs He’s Just Not That Into You
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