I’ve Never Been Kissed, What Now? [Ask A Dude]

Hey Dude,

I’m 17 and I have never kissed or dated a guy. I’m kind of awkward with boys and I’m afraid that if I date one he’ll make fun of me for not being experienced enough, so whenever a guy is a little bit interested in me I turn him down. Honestly, though, I’d really love to have a boyfriend.

What should I do?


Dear sousou,

There’s nothing to be bashful about just because you’re 17 and never been kissed. Contrary to what “Gossip Girl” would have had you believe, a lot folks don’t gain much sexual experience until later in their teens, and there’s a substantial percentage of people who don’t lose their virginity until their early 20s. While I understand there’s some external pressure, some of the pressure you’re feeling is coming squarely from you. So, give yourself a break.

It’s totally understandable to get a bit self-conscious when you think you’re the one with less history when it comes to smooching, necking, petting, groping, dry humping, or sensual massaging. Among other things. But it can become a vicious cycle where the longer you go without, the more self-conscious you become. Which in turn makes you feel less comfortable engaging in all those sexy-time activities. Breaking the cycle is up to you and it’s about making you feel comfortable when the opportunity arises that you want to take.

First of all, you have to make sure the guy’s not a douche. Or at least be as sure he’s not as you can. There will never be any guarantees but if he’s treating you right and making you feel at ease then you’re on as good a track as you can hope.

The place can either be somewhere you’re familiar and thus lets you feel in control of the situation, or you could go the opposite route and get out of your comfort zone. Sometimes the routine is the enemy, other times it’s your friend. That’s up to what you think will work best.

Don’t lie about it. Making it the elephant in the bed is a bad idea. You don’t need to broadcast anything but if it comes up, own it. We hide our shame. We show our pride. Don’t let it scare you out of the moment and you might just see the moment isn’t anything to be afraid of. Again, not saying you wear it like a badge, an “I’ve never lost my lip-ginity” badge, but you don’t need to dodge any questions. You own it, it has no power over you and cannot hold you back from doing whatever you choose to.

Just go for it! Minimalize the momentousness of the whole thing. If you don’t make it a big thing then it doesn’t have to be a big thing. Perception is all. Remember, a kiss is just a kiss. There’s a lot more fun to be had once you get that out of the way. Of course a first kiss can be lovely but usually all subsequent kissing is better.

Most of all, you have to understand that this is a small experience in the grand game of life. You’re only 17. Everything can feel like life or death if you want it to. This isn’t. It’s a kiss. It’s a nice memory someday but it’s only one of a billion you’ll have. As long as he’s not a douche, you’re going to be fine. Remember, it’s supposed to be fun.


The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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