Sure, there are a million beautiful girls walking around. But an ex-girlfriend is not your average beautiful girl. Sometimes, she feels like a beautiful girl with two horns on her head and one evil goal — and that’s snagging your boyfriend back. But before you completely flip out because an ex is rearing her beautiful head by trying to be “just friends” with your boyfriend, let’s breathe and keep a few things in mind.
Let’s say you’re innocently enjoying a brunch with your boyfriend. You’re looking beautiful and feeling good. He’s looking handsome and making you laugh. Today feels like it’s going to be a great day. But suddenly, a shadow comes over your table. A young woman, standing next to your boyfriend’s seat, taps him on the shoulder. He whips around and suddenly looks lost for words. She lets out a squeal and says, “Hey! It’s been so long!” Your boyfriend, still looking like he smacked his head on the pavement, gives her a weak “Hey! Yeah, it’s been a while.” She asks him how’s he been, what’s he been up to, if he’s still into this, if he’s still into that, if he still hangs out with so-and-so, and after what seems like ages of conversation between them, she turns her attention to you. He introduces you as his girlfriend and her as his ex-girlfriend. Suddenly, the girl standing over your table looks like a mix of Halle Berry and Scarlet Johansson, and you’re a mix of mousy and mousier. You’ve heard of her before, but only briefly. Now she’s in the flesh and suggesting that he text her so they can catch up. She leaves the table and your great day turns uncomfortable and awkward, full of unanswered questions and suspicious alerts on his phone.
Before you go into full freak-out mode (you know, the mode where you start looking like a complete psycho), relax and breathe. When she leaves the table, ask the questions you want to ask your boyfriend — within reason. Although someone’s past can often be interesting and telling, I happen to believe that once you’re dating someone, you’ve opted to let go of their past and start a future with them. That’s why it’s imperative to get to know someone before you date; their past won’t be such a surprise in your present relationship if you do. That being said, if you don’t know which ex-girlfriend this young woman is, you should be allowed to ask, “Was she the one you went out with two years ago?” or, “When did you date her?” Try not to make your questions so loaded. Unless his mouth is still to the floor and he’s drooling, there’s no reason to get hostile with your questions (you know, ones like, “So, why did she come over here? Have you talked to her while we were in a relationship with me?!”). The poor guy can’t decide when he sees his ex-girlfriend.
That being said, the question of friendship between them still looms over your head. Their friendship is an intimidating thought. She’s an old flame; she knows what buttons to push when it comes to him. How can you trust that their new-found friendship will be completely innocent? Now, I could tell you to force yourself into every interaction they have, get her number so you can make it known who you are, and read all of his text-messages between them, but I don’t think that’ll do you any good. I’m a little more old-school when it comes to relationships. I practice the belief that you are a separate person before you enter a relationship and you remain one, regardless of how serious it gets. Take my parents, for instance. They love and care for each other, but they certainly don’t consider themselves “one person.” There are parts of their lives that remain separate and private, but so much more of their lives are shared. They dated before text-messaging, tweeting, and Facebook-ing became a part of normal everyday interactions. They got to know each other before they could snoop in one another’s phones and stalk each other on the internet. They couldn’t verify what the other person told them in DMs on twitter or Instagram pictures. They couldn’t and still don’t attempt to peak into the private parts of their lives. All they could and can do is trust each other.
Now, I’m not saying that what your man does is none of your business; I’m simply saying that, with all this new and accessible technology, there’s a tendency to try to be with each other even when we’re not and find out stuff about your significant other that they have yet to tell you. That doesn’t always make for a strong bond of trust. If you’re dating this guy, you’ve got to trust that his interactions with this ex-girlfriend are going to be friendly and only friendly. You have to trust that he will be honest with you about her. You have to trust that you can be honest with him and tell him whether you’re getting uncomfortable with their frequent interactions. Don’t demand for her number or demand that he print out his messages with her on all social-media platforms. Yes, ex-girlfriends are intimidating, but you give them so much power when you let them define your relationship. If you can’t trust him to keep his eyes on you, whether it’s because of an ex-girlfriend or any other girl, you’ve got to reevaluate your relationship with him.
Now, let’s say after all that trust you put into him, it turns out his interactions with her were much less honorable than you would’ve hoped. Trust me- you’ll find out without all the social media and iMessage stalking. Don’t waste any of your precious time on that. If nothing else, girls talk and boys just don’t seem to understand. You will hear about it one way or another, whether it be from your girlfriends or from the ex-girlfriend herself. Boys don’t often take that into account when trying to juggle two girls. When you find out, don’t round your girls up to chase his ex-girlfriend down with pitchforks. I’ve got four words for you: dump his sorry ass.
Dating a guy with a suspicious relationship with his ex-girlfriend is a road you don’t want to get on. Every ex-girlfriend, old flame, or hook-up will suddenly feel like a giant towering over your relationship. This ex-girlfriend didn’t “steal your man.” He was up-for-grabs. He’s not an iPhone or a bracelet. He can’t be “stolen” because you never purchased him off a shelf (at least, I hope you didn’t). “Stealing” implies that he didn’t have a hand in getting with this girl. Instead of hating is ex-girlfriend- or even hating anyone, for that matter- know that your man owed it to you to stay faithful and blaming it on some temptress is the easy way out. He is as guilty of running off the shelf as she was of grabbing him off of it.
I guess all I’m trying to say to anyone woman out there trying to decipher an ex-girlfriend situation is that you should try not to be threatened by her or any friendship she might want from your boyfriend. Don’t let her ruin your brunch, because you’re beautiful, fabulous, and he’s with you. Know that you’ve chosen a trustworthy man who knows how to fend off a sneaky ex-girlfriend. Confidence is imperative; greet her with a smile, and remind yourself that someone is only as big of nightmare as you make them to be in your head.
[Lead image via Creativa/Shutterstock]
How to Handle Things When Your Boyfriend's Ex Wants to Be His Friend
