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The Ugly Truth About Being Single


being single

Judging by the fact that my date from last Friday night still hasn’t called me back, I think it’s safe to say I’m one very single little lady. I find myself regularly yearning for a life wherein I can drunch¬†with my soulmate, our hands entwined over a pitcher of bottomless mimosas and a side of extra crispy bacon. I want someone who has to hold my hair back when I throw up, because he knows he’s not getting laid for a week if he acts grossed out. I want to swipe right on someone’s picture and find out that they swiped right on mine, too! That happy Tinder alert jingle rising from my clutch — Love is knocking, Heather! What are you going to say back?

The reality is that I have six dating apps on my phone and no one in my bed. I guess there’s a little comfort in knowing I’m not alone, though. These apps wouldn’t even exist if we were all non-idiots at love, right? Guys, I can’t be the only idiot out there! Tell me!

In any case, this video made me feel simultaneously better (the first 70 seconds) and worse (the 15 seconds after that). It’s so true, I can’t even. We’re all the worst.

Heather is a senior at FIT majoring in Visual Presentation and Exhibit Design (try saying that five times fast...while you've got a martini in your hand). The best sext she ever sent read, "I'm trying to have a romantic moment and you keep talking about your boner." She hopes to write even better things here.