Your Post Valentine's Day Weekend Horoscope

Trying to make sense of your post-Valentine’s Day weekend? Or maybe you just believe is stupid horoscopes (we do!)? There’s no better way to gain some perspective than by reading vague musings that might clumsily relate to your life. This weekend we present you with horoscope translations, basically real ass horoscopes translated so you can actually understand what those vague messages even mean. Enjoy.
Aries  (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You’re fucking clueless. Your friends suck, imo. Just do what the fuck ever, I guess.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Day dreaming is for Beyoncé because she can wave her dainty Swarovski covered wrists and be whisked away to an exotic vacation with new weaves and new shoes. You’re not Beyoncé, so get real.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
Today you will act like a ho. Just remember everyone loves a ho, no one likes a sloppy ho, tho.
Cancer  (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
You are a broke ass bitch, right about now.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Stop being a drama queen!
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Don’t be aloof if you’re asking to be seen.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Being alone is fun but it won’t get you laid.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
You did not ask for anyone’s advice today.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Haha, you tried to make plans. That’s so cute.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Misery loves company so phone a friend and fuck shit up together.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Today you will wonder: What the fuck am I doing with my life?
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You life is utterly meaningless, true. But you have good ass friends.

  • 10614935101348454