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When Post-Grad Life Gives You Lemons… [Twenty-Something Rules]


Twenty-Something Rules-2

I have a confession for you. The other day I fell down the stairs, accidentally poured water in my coffee and said something so awkward in a meeting, I thought I was going to unzip my skin and crawl out. But the bittersweet twist? Happy hour beer tastes like liquid glitter in a cup after a day like that!

Being twenty-something is a delicate time in your life. That’s why every week I’ll be sharing 7 of my self-created rules for you to follow (and hopefully help with all of those tough days). We all need a little direction when it comes to relationships, the self proclaimed “real world” and everything else that comes our way.

From one twenty-something to another, let’s think deeply about life.

Rule #8: The scariest thing you will ever do is sit through a 401K meeting.

Hate talking about the future? Hate being poor? Hate to think about getting old and dying alone? Then you’ll be ecstatic about sitting through a meeting that forces you to think about how much money you’ll have saved by the time you’re 65 so you can spend later when you’re immobile, shitting your pants and 90. Be sure to have lots of moist (yes, moist), fresh cookies at hand after the meeting. And shove them into your mouth until you’re inspired to work out and blow off some steam. Not the healthiest way of doing things, but life is unfair.

Rule #9: When you get a “real job”, get used to the fact that you’ll hate getting up early and yet never sleep past 8AM on the weekends.

Those days in college when you could sleep anywhere/anytime like some sort of high Koala bear? Not happening. Once you start that 9-5, you’ll be sand-manned by 9:30 every night and popping up like a teeny gopher by 8:30am on Saturday. It’s horrible-but-wonderful because you get an entire day to enjoy. Before you know it, you’ll be baking cookies Saturday night and waking up Sunday at 9am to do laundry. It’s not a total bust, sweet, sweet 20-somethings. You’ll sneak in a drunk evening here and there. But it will be off one glass of wine instead of a plethora of jag bombs. Godspeed!

Rule #10: Hate olives/pickles/tomatoes/red wine/beer/cashews/spicy sauces? Get ready to love them.

With a change of seasons, it looks like your taste buds also change. Embrace it! Order your Coors with olives, sprinkle that hot green sauce from Chipotle all over your burrito bowl and your body, chug a hoppy craft beer…how did you possibly live without all of these wonderful things!

Rule #11: Be sure to be with someone who tells you poop jokes.

Be with someone who makes you laugh. Because one day, you’ll have saggy woman tits and he’ll have balls down to his ankles and maybe you won’t even remember each other.

Rule #12: Lipstick is the superglue of life. It will hold you together.

Maybe you’re having a bad day. Maybe you’re almost on your period and you already cried during a baby panda YouTube video. You’d be amazed by the things lipstick can do for you. A fierce Kate Moss red: b*tch, I’m in New York. A Jennifer Lawrence soft nude: b*tch, I have an Oscar but I’m subtle about it. A Selena Gomez cotton candy pink: b*tch I’m sweet and soft like a bunny tail. When you’re having a bad day, swipe on the lipstick. Just make sure it’s not frosted. B*tch, you’re not a stripper.

Rule #13: Utilize your home as a place to feel super comfortable when ugly.

There is not place in the world (besides maybe jail) where you can sit in men’s sweatpants, a shirt with a hole in the armpit, no makeup and a stray booger in your nose and feel great about it. If walls could talk, they’d tell you you’re beautiful.

Rule #14: Nothing will feel quite as good as one blanket and the person you love.

It’s a chilly, fall afternoon. The kind of afternoon where your fingertips and the tip of your nose are cold to the touch. The kind of afternoon that seems endless and perfect. Nothing warms you up more than being twisted and entwined with skin-on-skin, your nose in the nape of his/her toasty neck. Le sigh, there’s nothing better than that.

Click here for Rules 1 – 7!

    University of Saint Thomas graduate. Minnesota-bred and happy to talk about the weather any time you’d like! Strongly believes any situation can be bettered by a slice of generously buttered toast or Phil Dunphy. Would get arrested to touch Justin Timberlake’s face. Always trying to be a better person by not wishing horrible karma on people driving slow in the fast lane. Hear more: @twitter @instagram