Remember when the real-world seemed like a deep, dark chasm that would swallow you up and not let you come out until you were successful and making more money than your parents? Well, I can guarantee life isn’t jail in a canyon. Life is more…a blind folded marathon?
If that doesn’t sound good either, don’t fret. You won’t always learn lessons the hard way. In fact, I have 7 more rules for you this week to abide by.
From one twenty-something to another, let’s stay away from steep cliffs.
Rule #22: Worrying is like pooping your pants. Not worth it.
Worrying is dumb. It causes overeating, stress, unconscious finger-skin picking and shifty eyes. Also, it’s messy. Worrying can get you in all sorts of personal troubles. The frustrating part? You have no control over anything you worry about except worrying about it. So don’t. Go focus on something else. Like that new book you wanted to finish, a Toby’s pizza and the entire first two seasons of New Girl on Netflix.
Rule #23: Simplicity is beautiful.
Life is really all about the simple things. Serendipity, freckles, holding someone’s hand, a gummy smile, listening, the truth, realness, a Christmas tree, comfort, vanilla frozen yogurt and fart jokes.
Rule #24: Don’t trust anyone who dramatically changes his or her hair color once every three weeks.
It’s like people who wear white pants with a black belt. Do you feel comfortable leaving your kids with them?
Rule #25: You will cry at a bar. It will be sloppy. You will be holding a vodka-cran. You will be perplexed about it later.
It’s time to be humbled. One fateful day in your 20s you might find yourself pushed up against the outside of a bar, or in the more stereotypical place — the bathroom — crying about nothing. Your drink will slosh back and forth. You’ll faintly remember that pretty girl in your French class giving you a “weird look across the bar” next to your crush and now, she has SHAKEN YOUR LIFE APART. Let your girlfriends console you and cry it out, girl. The next morning, you’ll hate yourself and eat a life supply of waffles. Then, you’ll get over it.
Rule #26: RIP Paul Walker. But never RIP your boner for Paul Walker.
Moment of silence. But thanks be to Google Image. We’ll never forget your magical Paul Walker stare.
Rule #27: If you take a bath, you’re probably coming down with something.
Nobody likes to simmer in their own body dirt unless they’re seriously ill. Got the sniffles and a sinus headache? Sure, I’ll sit in a lukewarm pool of water watching the swirls of my own body oils congregate around my weird, wet, floating boobs. Yep, you’re sick. Toss in the lavender bath salts and call it a night.
Rule #28: There is nothing sexy and everything sticky about whipped cream.
You have a boyfriend and can finally get saucy without being weird! Leave whipped cream alone. That sh*t could pave a street. And yep, let’s just say you don’t look good with white-crusted residue on your hair. [Editor’s note: She’s talking about the whipped cream. Get your mind out of the gutter.]