I wish that I had Angela, our resident Bachelor recap guru, sitting next to me while I wrote this. It’s been a long time since I’ve been invested in a season of the amazingly orchestrated reality dating show (a lifetime ago I used to be CC’s official recapper), but I’m genuinely planning on watching Andi Dorfman’s upcoming season. From what I gather — and tell me if I’m wrong — she called Juan Pablo on his BS last season and stormed off because she didn’t need his eees okay crap. Now she’s back with a season of her own where she’ll be calling the shots and handing out the roses. Did I get the gist of it? Cool. In my pre-season research, because I do treat The Bachelorette with the same care your boyfriend shows his March Madness bracket, I obviously had to visit Reality Steve’s site for spoilers. This is how I play the game, so if you’re not down with knowing what happens IRL before it happens on TV, stop reading now. Steve, as always, delivered with the goods — so far he’s revealed 9 of the men Andi will be dating this upcoming season. You can meet them right here, in all their tan, buff, hair-gelled glory.
Meet: Eric Hill, 30, Salt Lake City, Utah His schtick: He’s allegedly friends with previous SLC-based Bachelor contestants who encouraged him to apply for the show. Why? Not necessarily to find true love, but rather to promote his documentary, “The Global Odyssey”, in which he tries to break the world record for visiting all 195 UN recognized countries. Bangability: High. Very high. Did you not see that lion he’s bro-ing with? Follow him: On Instagram
Meet: Will Barry, 26, Philadelphia, PA His schtick: He’s a musician in the locally acclaimed band Split Decision. Graduated from Penn State in 2010. He’s young. Bangability: Low. He’s clearly gay. Follow him: On Instagram
Meet: JJ O’Brien, 31, San Francisco, CA His schtick: He owns a company called Hem Haus that makes pants in wacky prints and furry rave vests out of stuffed animal carcasses. I’m not joking. Bangability: High. Anything to get him out of those hideous pants. Follow him: His company’s on Facebook
Meet: Pat Jagodzinski, 28 or 29 (verdict’s out), Lebanon, NJ His schtick: He played soccer at Ramapo College, but currently lives in Orange County, CA. I urge you to please, please check out his YouTube channel, where he drives a car around an empty parking lot and shadowboxes with himself. Bangability: Eh, not super impressed. Follow him: On Google+ LOL
Meet: Bradley Wisk, 32, Chicago, Ill. His schtick: Seems to be this season’s Sharleen. He’s an Apple tech-support operator by day and…wait for it…an opera singer by night. I cannot make this up. He seems to take his craft very seriously. Bangability: As if. This man has glamour shots. Follow him: On YouTube. You’re welcome.
Meet: Tasos Hernandez, Ageless, Denver, CO His schtick: He’s a DJ with a soft side. When he’s not busy dropping the beat, he’s helping teach after-school Spanish at the middle school where his mother works. Bangability: “Do me, Tasos” doesn’t really have a ring to it. Follow him: On Facebook
Meet: Marquel Martin, 26, Las Vegas, NV His schtick: There is literally no information anywhere about this man. Bangability: If you squint, he looks like Marcel from The Originals, so I might do it for the story. Follow him: On Instagram, where he goes by “Jayloni”
Meet: Dylan Petitt, 26, Boston, MA His schtick: Oh this poor boy. Chris Harrison is going to have a FIELD DAY with his life. His brother tragically passed away in November last year, and his sister died in December 2009. How many times are they going to have Andi bring this biz up? Place your bets in the comments. Bangability: I can’t really see what he looks like. But he could get a pity make-out. Follow him: On Twitter
Meet: Josh Murray, 29, Athens, GA His schtick: Straight out of high school, he was recruited to play minor league baseball for 5 years in the Brewers organization. While he works in Financial Services currently, he will undoubtedly be listed as a professional baseball player on the show. It’s also worth noting that his brother is Aaron Murray, of UGA football fame. Bangability: Uhhh…pshyeah. Follow him: On Instagram [Lead image via, all other images via Reality Steve]