Something happened recently. An epiphany. I was sitting and drinking wine with my girlfriends…we were having our first wine tasting, which at 26, still turns into a mini sh*t-show because “like, whaaaa, we haven’t even tried the dessert wine yet??!”
Anyway, we started talking candidly about the books we’d been reading. Before you knew it, I had a huge girl-boner, was throwing my hands around ranting about my ‘top 3 favorite books of all time’ and had organized a book club on my Facebook page for all my girlfriends to join by the end of the night.
Growing up is funny.
From one twenty-something to another, let’s grow old together.
Rule #36: If you’re a total twat when you drive in traffic, you’re still a good person.
I don’t know about you, but I turn into a total c-rag when I drive. Honestly, cutting people off is my expertise. The twist? I’m a great person. I’m very sweet, soft spoken and polite. And then oops, twatwaffle on the road. Don’t worry. Character should not be judged on the streets. Kind of like how calories don’t count during Thanksgiving or the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Eat and be a little pushy whenever needed. That doesn’t make you horrible.
Rule #37: A good, dramatic cry while looking in the mirror and listening to Coldplay is…awakening.
Seriously. Crying should feel good; the same way sneezing feels good (when you’re ready for it). Looking in the mirror while you cry makes it even more dramatic and self-satisfying. Add Coldplay ‘Yellow’ into that equation and you’ve set yourself up for the purest of traumatic meltdowns. Congratulations. Enjoy.
Rule #38: That first smile-wrinkle you find? It’s PRETTY, OK!?!
When you lean into the mirror for the first time and discover there is a prominent wrinkle above your lip and it perfectly sinks into your smile creases…don’t cry quite yet…or curse your expensive Aveeno Skin Anti-Aging Cream. Those are just little life marks. We know the first one is scary as the name Clarice in Silence of the Lambs. But, be glad you’ve lived long enough to make a wrinkle, for smiling of all things.
Rule #39: Sometimes, spiral macaroni in a box and ‘Love Actually’ holds the answer to everything.
Truly. The meaning of life can come in box form, with hard noodles and celebrity-packed shitty Christmas movies. Bask in all of it try to figure out what life means. We’ve all been there a time or 80.
Rule #40: It’s OK to be annoyed by the people measuring their baby’s ages by months only. Round up. He’s a year, people.
Oh, your blotchy gremlin-baby is 15 months and a quarter of a day? I went to school! And I still don’t know/care to know how old that is!
Rule #41: True love is sharing your Famous Dave’s cornbread muffin.
My true love will always give me a piece of that moist Famous Dave’s muffin top. Don’t get cute with that.
Rule #42: If you feel disdainful towards work, bottle it UP. No one wants to hear you complain. Do something passive aggressive. Like writing an email on the john.
Nobody needs to know if you’re having an “awful day” at work. In the grand scheme of the real world, nobody cares and you sound like a whinny, blotchy baby. As a secret way to feel better about the entire situation, press send while on the John. Sometimes, you need to feel powerful.
