Calm Down About Marriage [Twenty-Something Rules]

Hey, guess what? I’m here with good news! Stop worrying about getting married.

I know this seems sudden. It’s only a normal Friday in May and you’re probably just living your own life.  But let’s be honest with ourselves. We think about getting hitched all the time. We think about marriage with awe and a sense of wonder, the way we look at marriage on Pinterest; and the pretty lace, peonies with twine around them, engagement pictures with your honey gazing at you like he NEVER has before. We also think about marriage in a state of terror and panic. When is it going to happen to me? Why are engagements popping up everywhere on Facebook but avoiding my life like the modern-day plague?

One reason: life moves at different speeds for different humans. No one is going to judge you if you don’t get married in your twenties. And marriage isn’t the end or beginning of anyone’s world, OK?

From one twenty-something to another, let’s turn off the ticking time bomb.

Rule #78: Learn how to take a compliment.

If someone fondly compliments you on your skirt, hair or professional work, don’t make weird excuses about it. Modesty is sexy but an overflow of insecurities when a “thank you” will do just fine is not sexy or sophisticated. Instead of pulling “Oh, this old thing? I’ve had it forever, I really think I look like a gremlin when I wear it!!”, say “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Rule #79: Don’t worry. Everybody still loves you when you’re on your period.

We’ve all been there. That wishy-washy pre-week when you’re convinced everybody hates you. The people at your work suddenly think you do a horrible job and in fact they might want to fire you! Your friends think you’re flaky and boring! Your boyfriend thinks you’re lazy in bed! Shit, even your own family hates you!

Congrats on being a woman! You’re about to get your period. Don’t worry, you’re still loved dearly.

Rule #80: Sometimes, a good selfie is all you need.

You lift the phone a little above your face (to get rid of the under-eye circles and neck wrinkles), turn it on reverse camera mode, and snap a pic of your totally great make-up. It’s whatever, you’re having a good hair day and you finally showered. Like it or not, a good personal selfie can make you feel great.

Rule #81: The Kardashians are horrible and annoying. Go ahead and watch them anyway. They make you feel better about yourself.

“Liiiiiiiikkkkeeeee seriously though you guys. I neeeeeeed to ask you a serious question. Should I liiikeeee get my nails done or liiiike not?” Kim Kardashian is a mother. Admit it, listening to her makes your IQ feel like it has little flecks of gold in it.

Rule #82: Take care of your shoes. And your hair.

They are your number one accessories, after all! You wear them all the time. Leather-proof your boots and buy nice conditioner. If you have healthy hair and clean kicks, you’ll look extremely put together (even if you just made a huge mistake and bough Chick fil’A or yelled at a Comcast representative on the phone). Please note, there’s nothing wrong with pairing insanely nice shoes with Target clothes er’day of yo’ life. And talking ghetto and random, apparently.

Rule #83: Tits or legs. When it comes to fashion, you should only show off one pair at a time.

A real classy lady won’t be flaunting both assets. Let out the jugs or the legs. A little mystery never hurt nobody.

Rule #84: Imperfections are what make people most beautiful.

Your flaws are something to be proud of. Shaming yourself for effortlessly being who you are is a straight up personal burden. We all can be idiots, of course. We can be bad at things, over-thinkers, care-to-much-about-ers, dopey, silly, constantly excited, a little sad…

These things define you, as you. It’s in this uniqueness we find charm. Cheers to the flaws, peoples. **Clinks glass and spills beer all over chest**

Le sigh, imperfections, le sigh.

Click here for rules 1-77!

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