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Help Me, I’m a 25 Year Old Virgin! [Ask a Slut]

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ask-a-slut

Dear Slut,

I am a 25 year old virgin. There I said it. I am not a bible thumper, a head case or a disgusting troll woman; I am just very shy and I have been waiting till I connected with somebody till I had sex. But as I get older and haven’t really dated, I am starting to second guess my choices and feel like it’s getting weirder by the day that I am a virgin. On one hand I still want for sex to be special, on the other hand I am worried that this status as a virgin is going to make me a social pariah. What should I do slut?

Celibate in the City

Dear Celibate in the City,

I understand why you want to wait for sex. You’ve got that whole “I’ll meet prince charming, we will have passionate but respectful sex” scenario running through your head. Just forget it, it’s not happening. Being a virgin is a stigma and it is going to hold you back at your current age. There, now I said it.

You need to lose this virginity as soon as possible. Depending on your comfort level, I have a two solutions for you. Choose your own adventure:

1. Go to a bar, have a few strong beverages, meet a stranger, sleep with them and leave immediately afterwards. This is the quick and dirty solution. You may be uncomfortable with this since you have so little sexual experience, but the advantage of this method is that you never have to see this person again. The disadvantage of this is that if you bleed all over this stranger’s sheets (you still have that whole hymen thing going on) it’s gonna get kinda weird. But you can always say you have your period. Whoops, sorry about your bedding, see you never.

2. If you have male friends who you are incredibly comfortable with you can ask them to do it. This also may be super weird for your friendship, but I am sure there is a guy in your life who is willing to take you to pound town (you will get that reference later). They get to have sex so how bad of a favor can that be? Try to pick a guy who isn’t a known player or asshole because they usually suck in bed. Nerds are always a safe bet.

Now I know that both these scenarios do not seem very romantic. Bleeding all over a strange man’s sheets is not what every little girl dreams of, but guess what, sex and romance are not the same thing. Sex can be very romantic but you don’t want to assume this is always going to be the case. Don’t make a big deal about it and you should be OK. Also, if you do end up meeting a great guy, you don’t want to be shit in bed, it’s a deal breaker most of the time.  Time to get on the horse. Pun intended.

Good luck ya prude,

Xoxo  bang bang

For more Ask a Slut, see all past entries here!

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Bang Bang is a parsons graduate and works in the fashion biz by day. By night she pursues stand up comedy and drinks whisky on a professional level. She loves sex, drugs, rock and roll and bagels (emphasis on the bagels).