You know what I’ve noticed about people? We rely too heavily on others to make us happy. Not getting along with your boyfriend? Life ruined! Girlfriend hasn’t called you in weeks? How could I let this happen!? I am going to drink so much wine over this!
No, no, no, no, NO!
You make YOU happy. If you worry about how you’re feeling and focus on making yourself sh*t your pants with glee (instead of relying so much on others) you’ll feel so good. The number one relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. Have you vomited into a bag yet? I know it sounds cheesy and slightly pompous, but if you start becoming freaking ecstatic about your existence and who you are, and rely on YOURSELF to feel happy, your life will change.
From one twenty-something to another, let’s become obsessed with ourselves.
Rule #99: For work out inspiration, be a total lesbian and order a year subscription to Maxim.
Flipping through a magazine full of greased up, fierce bodies isn’t going to make you want to deep throat a bagel (or maybe it will, however you cope with things is fine). It’s going to make you want to work out to Pitbull, sweat on the treadmill and try out that “shake and bake” look all the models are perfecting on the Swimsuit Edition. Go ahead, Google it.
Rule #100: People will call you crazy. But don’t worry about it.
Since you’re a woman, it’s genetically guaranteed someone will call you “crazy” once in your life. And quite often, the person calling you crazy is the one person you wish believed you had the sanity of a rock. But we’re all crazy! No one can be perfect. If anyone calls you crazy, just remember you have feelings. You have empathy. Nothing is negative about that.
Rule #101: Don’t be embarrassed to buy anti-aging cream at 21.
The anti-aging skincare section in Target is all yours, twenty-somethings. Buy that sh*t with pride. When you get home, lather is all over your neck, forehead, under-eyes and ass. Don’t be pompous about skincare. Sunscreen and a good ant-aging cream will keep you looking like a balloon with full air capacity for the rest of your life.
Rule #102: Your alcohol tolerance level only goes down!
Remember the first time you drank in high school? Half Bacardi Razz, half lemonade baby! Strobe lights! Fist pumps! You had no idea what life meant, why not try it? The night wouldn’t go beautifully, but you’d wake up in the morning still feeling like you could run a (small) marathon and save the world. Now, at a ripe age of 26, I can officially have two glasses of read wine, feel significantly buzzed and wake up in the morning feeling like Smeagol crawled inside of me and died. Welcome to the real world, my precious.
Rule #103: Three things you must have for your apartment: dishwasher, air conditioning and somewhere to park your car.
When you get your first apartment, it can be exciting. A new place, a new wall to paint, a new way to rearrange your shitty furniture. It’s all a grand transition. But don’t get too excited. Calm the f*ck down and think about what you need in your home. Consider air conditioning and how crappy it would feel sweating without any air movement in the discomfort of your damp bed. Consider a place to park your car so you’re not walking miles to your apartment in the city and waking up on Saturday to pay a $300 towing fee. Consider a dishwasher, so every time you decide to eat something as simple as toast, you don’t need to whip your disgusting sponge out you haven’t replaced in months because you don’t care. Other perks: an apartment close to the stairs, laundry you don’t need to pay by coins, a grocery store close by, an apartment with a separate bedroom, a shower with good water pressure, counter space in your kitchen and a big closet. Ok, now go enjoy the good life.
Rule #104: Nobody wants to hear about the weird dream you had last night where Willie Nelson was selling you rugs.
Yep, no one cares darling.
Rule #105: You don’t have to live in the city to be cool.
Living in the city is stressful. It’s expensive. It’s trendy and slightly annoying. At first it’s glamorous and unique. You lived in the suburbs your whole life with your family! You want to branch out and live somewhere there’s a bus stop out your window, where the city buzzes and hums beneath you. But trust me on this one, it’s cool for about a week. Until you can’t find a parking spot and you don’t feel comfortable walking to Walgreens because homeless people are always asking you about Jesus. Living in the city is wonderful too; dogs are everywhere, walks in summertime are little blessings and happy hour is a walk away. LONG STORY LONG: Never overlook the city outskirts. You don’t have to be in the heart of family-home-hell but explore the places around the city, instead of the dead center. Life will suddenly become more convenient and still trendy and cool.
Worry About Yourself, Girl [Twenty-Something Rules]
