An Open Letter To Myself As An Incoming Freshman

To myself as an incoming college freshman:

I know what you’re thinking as you approach this new chapter in life. A new place, exciting atmosphere, strangers eager to meet each other, a fresh start with so many new prospects! Game on, right?

Don’t be embarrassed to admit it, every other girl here is thinking it too: you expect to find your husband in college, just like your parents did. Countless adults that you grew up around did the same, some even ended up with their beaus from high school. That didn’t happen for you then, so you’re thinking college will be your time to meet the Heathcliff to your Claire, the Corey to your Topenga, the Quincy to your Monica (that’s from Love & Basketball, which I know you haven’t seen yet. Once you do you’ll understand).

Well guess what kid — it ain’t gonna happen. I advise you to stop watching so many re-runs from the 90s.

You’ve already messed up with this romanticized idea of what college romance is like: holding hands between classes, sneaking into each other’s dorms for movie nights, bringing each other home for holidays. Poor child, you must think you’re life is an ABC Family Christmas special.

In reality, these college “couples” don’t acknowledge each other unless they’re in private, when they sneak into each other’s dorm rooms the movie is watching them, not the other way around, and when he leaves her room he’s going to the room down the hall— trust me, I’ve seen it.

Look, I know that you’re not some boy crazed little girl devoting her life to finding the perfect mate, you just want someone some male company around every now and then. But, listen, you’re not going to find it here. The problem is, most of the dudes you’re making googly eyes at now, aren’t worth the breath it takes to speak to them. I’m not saying that they’re all scum, of course not. They’re handsome, smart and ambitious, but they’re simple in the head when it come to girls. They get scared of a girl who’s more interested in what’s in their head than what’s in their pants, and it just so happens that you are that type of girl. It’s written on your forehead, they avoid you like a plague.

Feeling discouraged, yet? Good, maybe that’ll prevent you from wasting your time.

Go get a glass of water and sit down. Thirst doesn’t suit you.


An older and slightly bitter version of yourself

[Lead image via wrangler /Shutterstock]

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