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The 10 Thoughts You Have During Bad Sex


bad sex

Women have higher incidents of bad sex than men because, well, no matter what happens during sex a guy is going to finish. While it certainly doesn’t take rocket science to figure out a woman’s genitalia, we live in a culture that likes to pretend the female orgasm is some sort of elusive mystery. Just think about how much we’re immersed in how to sexually satisfy men from such an early age. I remember sneaking copies of Cosmopolitan or searching online with my friends about what to do with a guy as early as elementary school. Even if we had no plans to do any of the deeds that young it was still something we did for shits, giggles and curiosity. Dudes just aren’t surrounded by “how to please your women” articles the way ladies are. And boy does it show. Which isn’t to say that those dumb articles are correct so much as they implant the thought in women from an early age that they should be working in bed to get the dude off and not vice versa. Some women I know were even taught that it’s impossible for ladies to enjoy sex and that it was just something for the guys, others don’t even know they have 3 holes down there.  A lot of guys even think porn exemplifies what woman actually want without realizing those women are fulfilling male fantasies and mostly faking it. Sex can be a whole mess for one’s lady bits if no one knows WTF is going on and let’s just say, it’s not fun.

Oh. My. God.


The anticipation of being touched is broken by how horrible that touching feels.

Should’ve Just Ordered Dominos And Called It A Night


Seriously though, I could be doing anything right about now but instead I got to humor this penis for a few more minutes.

I Didn’t Know Having An Entire Person Inside Of Me Could Be So…


It’s truly amazing how this is really doing absolutely nothing for me. All of that effort is . . . adorable.

How Long Has It Been Now?


Time is an illusion. Time is perception. Two minutes have never felt so long.

I Was So Ready For This


I got waxed and everything. What a waste of my freakum dress.

That Is So Not The Right Spot


Does he know what a vagina is? Like does he know how this works? Should I link him to a wiki page?

You Try And Love And Nurture Your V But You Can Only Protect Her From This Cruel World For So Long


Times is tough. You try to be a good person. You do your kegel exercises, get lots of folic acid and eat your kale but nothing will prepare you this.

The Lack Of Effort Is Insulting


I’ve seen you put more effort into a game of Flappy Birds. My vayjay is not a puzzle. This really isn’t rocket science.

Your Penis Is A Crime Against Humanity


I cannot let another woman be fooled by your “sense of humor again.” I request a trial by combat.

Great It’s Over. My Vagina Is On Fire.


That was less satisfying than the time I went to McDonald’s at 10:58AM and they told me breakfast was already over.

Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.