Going to a dance club is a special experience. You’re just trying to have a good time, maybe meet a bae and grind on a few desirable crotches but what happens is far less cute. Dudes be so thirsty and lurky and weird, it’s almost impossible to have a good time when every five minutes you’re swatting off some creeper and mentally debating the criteria of sexual harassment. These are the five kinds of dudes you’ll be trying to avoid but simply cannot.
The Thirsty Man
Homeboy is over there wiping the drool off of his chin. You know who I am talking about, the dude with wolf eyes lurking in the corner, breathing heavy as your magnificent booty sways on the dance floor. He is there, watching you from behind the brush, thirstin’ for the smell of your weave, the feel of your Cetaphil skin, the softness of your Burt’s Bees lips . . . but alas he will never know the pleasure . . . because he is super creepy.
The Surfboardt Man
You’re dancing with your friends. Enjoying the vibrating beats and movement of your magnificent body. Then suddenly—you feel that wood! You take a step forward but the wood follows. You look over at your friend, you give her the look that beckons, “Is he OK? Should I be worried? Is he secksay?” She shakes her head, “No.” You eject yourself from the wood. Run home. Shower with a loofa. Splash yourself with holy water. Never to club again.
The Wingman Man
Oof. The awkward friend introduced to you by some bro trying to help his buddy out. Except the friend is so uncomfortable all he can do is sip his beer and nod his head as his friend makes dumb jokes and talks about how the awkward friend “is shy” but “a really cool guy.”
The Smooth Talker Man
This motherfucker thinks he is making you laugh when he is really making you laugh at him. He has got all the dumb lines that you thought people only said on TV, like, “If I was your man—” SWERVE. “But you ain’t. Bye, Felicia.”
The Ballin’ Man
The boring dude who has a lot of money and thinks he can win you over with his credit card since he certainly can’t do it with his personality. You’ll chill with him for a hot minute though because he is buying you and your friend drinks. Then you got to pull one of them, “Look, over there!” finger points. The last thing he’ll see is your behind scurrying out the door with a shit eating grin and a tweet about how you’re so glad you didn’t have to spend any money tonight.