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The 9 Thoughts You Have When Trying On Spanx For The First Time



I am not typically a spanx wearer, not because I am opposed to them, mostly because I am lazy and have not gone anywhere fancy enough where I felt like I needed to look impeccable enough to warrant spanx. However, sometimes you just want to fit into that two-dollar bodycon dress from Forever21 and not look as lumpy as you normally do. I am a newcomer to the whole “shape wear” thing and trying on my first pair of spanx was definitely an experience. Props to the women who can push through the pain.

How in the hell am I going to get into these?


Do boys do this shit? I don’t ever hear about boys doing this shit, why do I have to do this shit? 


Is this even safe? How can this be safe?


Fine—I’m putting ’em on. I’m putting ’em on . . . I guess, they are slimming.


You know what? Now that my outfit looks better I do have this new found confidence.


Buuuuut. Now that I’m confident enough to go home with someone am I going to look like a fool when I undress?


These really aren’t all that comfortable. I feel like a sausage experiencing condensation. 


Fuck it, the spanx are coming off. Loooooooooove me for meeeeeeee.


Um, how do I get out of these?




    Emerald is an editor at CollegeCandy, lover of coffee, and pretend francophile. After studying writing and popular culture at NYU she decided to be a grownup and get a job. Tweet at ya' girl @EmeraldGritty.