What do you get when you bring 11 hot past Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants to a tiny hut in Mexico? Pretty much exactly what you would expect.
I am new to this type of reality show. I have never seen an episode of Fantasy Island, and I never caught the fever that was Bachelor Pad. And while I didn’t absolutely hate it, I found that I could not take this seriously even a teeny tiny bit.
For some reason, when it’s just one person dating several people, I find myself believing that they actually are there looking for love, and that it can work out. But when I heard these crazies stating so positively that they could find love here, that they may have already found love, and that they were here for the right reasons, I couldn’t suspend reality hard enough to believe any of it. And now I am questioning everything I have ever felt for The Bachelor (except for my love for Chris Harrison, of course).
So this season, we will have people coming and going. To start with we get:
Clare – Juan Pablo’s season. You know, the woman to whom JP said, “I love banging you, but I don’t know you.”
Sarah –Sean’s season. I like her, she’s great.
Daniella – Jake’s season. Who was even on Jake’s season? Whatever, go away.
Lacy – What season? Who? Boobs? Everyone seems to love her. She has, very seriously, the worst posture I’ve ever seen.
Michelle K. – Jake’s season. No.
Elise –Juan Pab’s season. I don’t recognize her at all, and she cannot walk down stairs. She says things like #blessed and claims she is in love with Dylan at first site. That’s nice.
AshLee –Sean’s season. This woman is certifiably insane, I remember all she talked about was organizing things and how she was abandoned. #daddyissues
The men were actually a little disappointing, except for a couple of gems:
Marcus– Andi’s season. I, for some reason, was obsessed him with at the end, but then I was real, real off. On his introduction, I learned that he hates buttons.
Marquel – Andi’s season. I don’t need to say a single goddam thing about Marquel. He comes in wearing capris you guys. CAPRIS.
Graham – DeeAnna’s season. I have to tell everyone a secret. I have been in love with Graham since I first saw him on the TV when I was 18 years old. Though I remember him having a big scruffy beard and that he was a big basketball player, I’ll still take him.
Ben S. – Desiree’s season. I didn’t remember him at first, but he is the one who brought his adorable son with him out of the limo the first night. Nailed it. He did come in ripping shots, and I respect this.
Robert – Desiree’s season. Again, IDK. This dude is 30 and still wears pookah shell necklaces. I can’t.
Dylan – Andi’s season. He was my wild card on Andi’s season. Clearly he got all the tweets about his dumb, dumb hair—because he is killing it.
Now, a lot of things happened. Because this show is TWO HOURS long, and out of control. Here are the highlights:
-Marcus says “most people are here for the right reasons.” I have to know. The fuq are the right reasons to be on this show? Then, surprise, he keeps moping on the beach about Andi. Swooping in the ocean in itty bitty orange speedos.
-Pookah shell wearing Robert confuses me an awful lot because he thinks Lacy is smart, which was a very bizarre comment. And he thinks she came her for love, which is also a bizarre comment because she has been here for 10 hours and straddled 2 people, which I would offer is too many.
-Elise and Dylan are dating, that’s nice.
-Ashlee is psychotic… She has known Graham for literally 24 hours. Apparently, for Ashlee, this makes a relationship. Once Clare gives Graham the first date card, Ashlee cries alone in her room, while repeating over and over “He couldn’t be loyal to me for 24 hours.” And then continues to call Clare a slut. And then makes Clare cry.
-Graham alludes to John Milton, which is amazing for this show. Like, AMAZING.
-Sarah takes Marcus on a date and asks him to kiss her, which is adorable and I liked it. But he gives his rose to Lacy anyways, because he’s a little bit of a nut.
-Graham gives his rose to AshLee despite a mountain of red flags, and this is why he is still single.
-Marquel gets a date. I didn’t think I could love this dude any more, until I saw him riding a horse. That was everything. This alone was worth the other 112 minutes of my life spent on this show
And there you have it—the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise, two hours of my life completely lost. My faith in The Bachelor and love in general seem to have been diminished in those two hours. But, at least we got to see Marcus crying without his shirt on.
[Lead image via]
