Broken Legs and Missed Connections: “Bachelor in Paradise” Recap, Season 1, Episode 2

All week I have been patiently waiting to see the scandal between Michelle K. and one of the crew members on the set—and it did not disappoint. Chris Harrison and a couple of other producers really broke down the fourth wall for us, and I absolutely loved it.

Ok here is what happened: Michelle K. was staying next to a crew member before the shooting began, and after she was kicked off. During this time, they developed a flirtation, and then they started hooking up, as ya do. After Michelle was kicked off, he was in her room, a producer knocked off the door, and naturally the crew member, Ryan, got freaked and jumped off a 25 foot balcony breaking both of his legs. Luckily, there is live footage of this, and it was everything.

Michelle K is pretty psychotic, and she makes a lot of mis steps during this whole thing. I couldn’t tell from the interaction between her and the producers (ELAN?!) if the two were actually involved. She was only saying: “He was a sweetheart and brought me floss and hand picked flowers.” The producers kept saying, “that’s not what he said,” which is confusing to me. Then, don’t even get me started, this bitch calls Chris Harrison “just the host,” GIRLFRIEND PLEASE.

While jumping off of a balcony may seem like quite the overreaction, let me explain why I totally understand this move. This is the best job EVER. They travel around the globe, doing whatever it is producers do. I wouldn’t want to lose this job either, especially over Michelle K. But, I’m pretty sure this dude be fired. I wonder if his legs have healed yet. Is it bad to laugh so much when someone breaks both their legs?

Now, back to the regular show!

Chris is back, the super creepy guy who stalked Andi outside his apartment. And apparently Chris has a reputation, which Graham eloquently lays out to us all as he says: “Chris has been known to enjoy the ladies, at different times and places, at the same time.”

Chris chooses to take Clare on his first date—she gets all of the dates! The two get a couples massage on the beach, which is a great date to be taken on. Clare seems to be digging him a little, and seems to be believing his lines about not always being the best guy, AKA being a huge womanizer. Whatever, good for her?

After this, we get a beautiful montage of Elise and Dylan and their time together—yes, all of the 7 days. She says that she is falling in love with him, but all Dylan says is that he feels smothered and they should go out with other people. Ah, dating.

So, I guess within this context, it seems less contemptible that she makes out with Chris in the ocean. Despite the fact that she is all about Dylan, and keeps stating that she wants to be in a relationship and have babies. He kind of told her this is what he wanted. She interpreted that conversation as, I need to get Dylan in check, so he needs to see me make out with someone else. Girls and boys don’t really understand each other, you guys.

I have to say, I was obsessed with watching these people get straight up wasted, swimming in their clothes and slurring their words and gossiping. Or should I say, YOPOing.

Not surprisingly, this move of Elise’s completely backfires. Dylan is a grown man, he doesn’t have time for crazies who try to make him jealous by hooking up with other men in the ocean. Would you believe he wasn’t able to forgive her after the line: “Yes a kiss was involved, but I was thinking about you the whole time.” Yeesh.

Sorry I’m not talking about Lacy/Marcus/Robert fiasco, it’s just that I literally do not care at all. Though it sounds like Sara was implying that she definitely had the sexy time with Robert, and then 3 days later appears to be in love with Marcus. This dude is so intense, it freaks me out a little. I hate Lacy’s voice so much I could die. And I have to say I’m not sure about all of those candles on all of those bails of hay. That is all.

Our next new addition is Zack K., and as he storms the beach Clare almost dies. I don’t remember this guy at all, but apparently Clare is really feeling him. Which is good, she deserves it.

Clare and Zack K. go on a date, which makes this Clare’s third date in paradise, which means she wins! Right? Idk.

Their date is pretty steamy. They both go on and on about how they have “pheromones” for each other. Whatever that means. Clare also said, out loud, on TV: “I felt his connection in the ocean.” This after they spent hours in the ocean “kissing.” is she seriously setting herself up for another sex in the ocean scandal? Do these people never LEARN?

For the next hour of this show, Elise continues to prove herself to be the craziest one in the house. She continuously refers to her ocean session with Chris as the first “hurdle” of her and Dylan’s relationship. Not only do they not have a relationship; but I certainly wouldn’t call this a hurdle or a bump in the road. She was kind of skeezy and Dylan wasn’t into her that much anyway. Girlfriend be tripping.

And just because we need a little more drama…

Oh, the wonderful fates! Marcus spills a bottle of water on Ben’s backpack, and would you look at that, he happens upon a letter from Ben’s girlfriend. I have a lot of questions about this.

First and foremost, this was all planned yes? Yes. Okay, great. Second, is anyone surprised that this douche bag of a dude isn’t completely honest and here for the right reasons? Nobody, right? But, perhaps most importantly, what kind of woman would allow their boyfriend to go on BIP and be like, totally cool with it? Also, it’s not really that fucked up for him to come here with a girlfriend. And why is Michelle Money crying? This whole thing was very weird.

At the end of all of this excitement, Clare throws her hands up in the air and yells, “Is anyone really here for love?!” I couldn’t help but die a little bit inside. Ok, a lot a bit.

At the rose ceremony, Marquel makes the first bad fashion decision of his life with some pedophile glasses. And then he tells Michelle Money that she likes to drink and that concerns him? I am very unclear. Also, he said this while he was drinking a glass of wine.

Elise still continues to not understand men. Dylan must have said he doesn’t want to date her anymore about 15 times, and is explicitly telling her to continue to pursue Chris and not give him a rose—her only response is that he must be confused and not know what he wants. Oh sweet, sweet Elise. Dylan feels smothered and he hates you.

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