Chris Harrison continues to break down the 4th Wall on this show, and I am really digging it.
To start off this week, we were able to watch the couples interact immediately following the rose ceremony. It was everything.
Let me set the scene: everyone is kind of slow dancing and gossiping simultaneously. Including this drunk ass Elise who is all over Chris, a mere 20 minutes after attempting to give Dylan the rose and then grandstanding about how every woman needs a man who will fight for her, and fuck Dylan. Don’t worry guys, now she knows she can fall in love with Chris and he can be her rainbow or whatever.
ACT ONE: MARQUEL AND EVERYONE
Danielle is the newest addition to the hut, and she is out of control gorgeous. I want her hair. And also her body con dress. And body. But, what are you gonna do. Her date card goes to Marquel, because duh. I can’t believe that Michelle is actually hurt by this, because I can’t actually believe that Michelle and Marquel have any kind of connection. Not only because he called her an alcoholic, but also because she keeps saying she actually wants to date Robert. And always has? Whatever.
Marquel and Danielle’s date is the best by far. It’s actually on Bachelor level! They explore some beautiful ruins, Marquel moon walks, the usual. I don’t think I have ever seen anything cuter in the whole wide world than when Marquel shouted, in genuine shock, “You’d heard of me?!” as Danielle was telling him she had a crush on him. Come on, Marquel! This date was actually quite cute. I can get behind this couple. Oh, and he almost got struck by lightening, so that happened.
So the two have an adorable date. But then, the very next day, Jackie arrives at the house. Plot twist!
I don’t remember Jackie from Sean’s season, but apparently all of the boys do. Yeah, ok. She also asks Marquel on the date—and of course he doesn’t say no, because why would you! Two private jet trips in two days? YOPO!
It is interesting to see that even though he had a great date with Danielle, something is definitely different with Jackie. They’re both pretty shy and kind of super weird, and I’m not hating it.
Also, I take it back you guys. Marquel stepped up his cuteness factor when he asked Jackie, very politely and super awkwardly, if he could go in for a kiss. I die.
ACT TWO: ELISE AND CHRIS
In an interesting twist, Chris hurt his knee walking up the apparently very intense staircase at the house.
This dude literally sprained his ACL and MCL and tore his meniscus. From walking up the stairs. But don’t worry, he was able to work through the pain for the sex. And all I know is that Elise was for real loving wheeling him around in a wheel chair and taking care of him. In fact she said, “This is absolutely the moment I came to paradise for. Chris is my man forever.” That is not a typo nor is it hyperbole. She said that. Out loud. On camera.
Elise goes on and on about how Chris has shown her what an amazing man he is, and that she will bless him for being so sweet (what?), and that he gives her hope for love and forever. I truly cannot tell if she is this delusional, or if the editors are messing with us. Because he has done nothing kind or done a single thing to show her that he is interested in her as anything more than a smash piece.
And boy did he get what he wanted. Look, I’ve never been one to judge a lady for sex on the first date. But here’s the thing… Don’t do this on national TV, Elise. Your parents will watch this. Your grandparents will watch this. Everyone that you meet after this will know this happened. Just, don’t. There’s no good way to frame what happened here.
I did enjoy when Chris said: “Me and Elise had a great night together. She was extremely excited.” I have been thinking about this quote all night and I still have no idea what it means. I mean I do… But I don’t.
ACT THREE: GRAHAM AND ASHLEE
FINALLY. Though it feels like they have been married for 25 years already, Graham and AshLee get a date.
I am very unclear on why Graham looked so shocked by the fact that AshLee follows him on instagram. I creepy follow you on instagram, Graham! Or should I say… Insta-Graham.
The point is, this is the least creepy stalker-y thing she has done since he has known her. All date, she doesn’t seem to listen to anything that he says. She just keeps talking about hot babies and wiggling her hips. It works, but not so much that Graham abandons his morals—these two kids actually do sleep in separate rooms.
God dammit I love Graham so much. Almost as much as I hate AshLee, actually. Can’t wait for this relationship to be done.
ACT FOUR: THE ROSE CEREMONY
I felt pretty bummed that Marquel chose Jackie over Danielle, but I have to trust Marquel’s instincts. I just have to.
The Robert / Sarah / Michelle love triangle came to a head, and Robert made the wise decision of choosing Sarah. Loved this. Michelle Money did not love this. Homegirl just needs to find a husband in a conventional way like Match.com. She is not set up for this kind of environment, despite that fact that this is her fourth Bach show. She literally started to cry as soon as Robert said Sarah’s name. Come on, she didn’t even like him!
So, at the end… Chris tells Elise he has to go home because of her leg, but then invites her to come home with him. To Chicago. He wants to leave Mexico, and bring this crazy home to Chicago with him.
This was weird. This was very, very weird. Unexpected. But adorable I guess? Because then he started crying as he gave his rose to Michelle money professing that she deserves true love and that it’s going to be here. And then everyone started crying and smiling.
You guys I am not making this up. This was like a fairytale movie. After seeing this scene, I understand a little bit more why Chris Harrison went on and on about this show for weeks!
TAKE AWAYS:
Overall, this show has shown me how insecure all women are. Every time a new woman comes in, all of the other ladies (the old news ladies if you will) compare their bodies, their hair style, their clothes—non stop. And hello, all of these chicks are a size 2 with personal trainers and stylists. It’s just ridiculous.
Everyone just wants what Lacy and Marcus have, you know?
I have to hope that everyone stayed to watch the end. Because Elan got a spider in his hair and I have never been happier. Never.
True Love and Private Jets: Bachelor in Paradise, Season 1, Episode 3 Recap
