There are some things best kept to yourself. There are some things that people just don’t need to know about. It doesn’t mean you are hiding anything. It doesn’t mean you’re being deceptive. All it means is that some of the more embarrassing milestones or habits in your life are going to the grave with you in a fiery blaze of glory. Or at least they’re staying between me and my therapist.
These Are The Things I Will Never Share With Anybody
1. My number of sexual partners.
2. That I farted.
3. That I cheated on those tests those few times and have no regrets!
4. That weird thing I do when nobody else is around.
5. The most embarrassing moment from my childhood. (Hint: it involves poop.)
6. My unattainable fantasy crush.
7. My online dating profiles.
8. My internet search history.
9. My diary from middle school because chiiiiiiiiild I had some emo and nasty thoughts back then.
10. That video my getting sooooooo inappropriately trashed.
11. I stole Jessica B.’s push point strawberry scented pencil in first grade when she was absent but felt so guilty I put it back.
12. I was the one who cracked Debbie’s fish tank and let Jennifer Rivera take the blame in fifth grade.
13. I accidentally opened up my parents sex drawer and it was terrifying.
14. I peed my pants and left a puddle of piss in the middle of my third grade homeroom while everyone else was in art class. I never owned up to that.
15. I signed into a different username that one time and left a nasty comment on your blog.
16. I didn’t actually win that contest I just told everyone I did and then told so many people that I have to keep telling people for the rest of my life that I won that one contest.
[shutterstock/Eugenio Marongiu ]
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