Barfing and Bros in Necklaces: "Bachelor in Paradise" Recap, Episode 4

This second edition episode begins right where we left off. We see Graham meeting with a medic as AshLee stands totally still at the podium just waiting for him to come back. Clearly a very concerned girlfriend. As far as I can tell, AshLee offered Graham a rose and it sent him into a legitimate panic attack.

Bizarrely, he comes back from the panic attack, doesn’t acknowledge what just happened, and Graham gladly accepts the rose. So that’s weird. Then Lacy immediately starts running away, saying that she has to puke too. Marcus then scoops her into his arms and takes her in an ambulance to head to the nearest hospital. Is everyone reacting to AshLee, or is everyone reacting to 3 weeks (or whatever) of drinking all vodka and no water and not eating? Unclear.

So far in this episode I have been extremely disappointed. Marquel was sent home (but really, who would choose Marquel over Jesse?), and despite the fact that ABC tricked me into believing that someone went out into the jungle and got lost and cried… That didn’t happen. Instead, we just have to watch Lacy get treated for dehydration.

Touche, ABC. Touche.

Christy from Juan Pablo’s season is the next addition to the house. For some reason I can not remember her. She’s super hot in a rock-star surfer chick way, and I dig it. Her coolness makes it all the more impressive that Zack said no to this date so he could continue dating Clare. At least I think that is what happened.

It’s definitely Christy’s win though, because now she gets to date Jesse! She kept saying it was awesome but it seemed pretty shitty. Jesse is super hot, but he is also a big ol’ douche. Is he hot enough that I would still date him? Yeah, probably.

Sarah gets the next one on one date, and she obviously takes her new boyfriend Robert. They seem pretty cute, and she seems to take their relationship the most… normally. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to tell if there is a romantic connection or not. Instead of really kissing, they do some weird thumb kiss handshake. And then they sit awkwardly in the pool for what feels like 5 years before finally having a weird short pecking make out session. I didn’t like watching it. I’m sorry, I didn’t.

When Christy and Jesse return from their date, they are drunk wastey and ready for fun make out sessions. Witnessing this makes Zack immediately regret being in a serious relationship already and he tries to tell Clare that he would like to take it slower. Big mistake, Zack, you know Clare doesn’t handle conversations well.

As per usual, this incites Clare to run into the jungle crying. Elan chases her down so she doesn’t get eaten by this raccoon who is hogging all of her screen time. Not sure why they like that move so much this season, I guess it’s funny. But I would have definitely rather seen Elan.

I can’t tell if Zack is a big dummy, or if Clare is super irrational. It’s got to be some kind of combination of the two, right? For that brief conversation to be enough to send Clare literally packing is pretty insane. I want to feel bad for her but I just can’t. I actually feel really bad for Zack. What a confusing night for him. Do you guys think he’s sad? I wonder what Elan thinks about all this.

Next we get LUCY. Sure have been waiting for Lucy to arrive. Y’all remember her from Juan Pablo’s season right? Her job was “free spirit” and she was naked all the time. I am pretty amazed that she didn’t run into the house naked already. Don’t worry, she got naked in 15 minutes. Can someone tell me what all this metallic art on their body is? And how she got it in the middle of her spine? And why is she so naked all the time?

Weirdly, Lucy’s date with Jesse actually seems like a blast. They actually talk and laugh and it doesn’t look horrifying. Also she’s the first woman on this show who has sounded intelligent—she actually knew things about the ruins and was teaching him Spanish. I tell you, this is a rarity in paradise.

Michelle and Cody get the next date, and it was super Bachelor-y. They went to this wedding resort and they took engagement pictures. Oh, not only engagement pictures, but also WEDDING PICTURES. There is a wedding dress and veil in her hotel room. Come on, Bachelor. You’re going to give Cody a hernia.

Cody keeps telling her how different he feels about her, how he finally feels like he’s open to someone, how he hopes these pictures are on their future wall some day. It’s been two days. I don’t think Cody means it maliciously, but I do think he’s a little bit nutso. And a lot of bit smothery.

This is the week of dates I guess, because AshLee also gets a date card, surprise, she brings Graham. They go drive in race cars, it was so boring I could die.

Is it bad that I loved that Christy started crying when she saw Jesse with Lucy? She tried to pull the whole “I’m a cool girl, Clare cried, what an idiot girl!” But turns out she’s just as emotional as the rest of us. And she’s just as easily duped by hot dudes with beards.

For the first time in Bachelor history, as far as I can tell, I am pretty sure Jesse, Lucy, and Christy had a threesome. So that’s pretty interesting. Right? That’s what happened? ABC has tricked me so much lately I just can never know for sure.

Not surprisingly, Lucy goes home. I did love how Jesse kept calling her “what’s-her-nuts.”

I remain disappointed that nobody got lost in the jungle, really. But I suppose this wasn’t a complete waste of 4 hours. I have no concept of how long this show lasts, but I feel like I never want it to end.

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