I’ve mentioned before that I feel things either with my whole being or not at all. I don’t know, I think it’s an Aries thing. So basically, if I like you – I probably already love you. If I hate you – I could run you over with my car and not even blink. If it’s not love or hate, it’s nothing. Maybe that makes me a crazy person, but that’s ok.
For so long in relationships women are taught to “hide the crazy.” They’re told not to let the insane inner workings of their mind out too soon. I want to put a kabash on that. I say, “Out with the crazy!” Really, it’s totally okay to show all of your cards in these situations. In fact, it’s better if you do.
I was seeing a boy that I really liked some time ago. I mean, we’d maybe hung out like five times but I was convinced he was perfect for me. He was a great catch. He was smart, funny, handsome and witty and I tried so hard to be what I thought he wanted a partner to be. I tried to be smart and witty. I tried to be always on top of the one-liners. I tried to be absolutely perfect. Until one day when it all came crashing down and I showed my crazy. He was no longer interested. Do I blame him? Meh. Not really. If he was the right guy for me, I wouldn’t have felt the need to be all of these other things. I would have showed my crazy sooner, and he would have known all along what he was getting into.
I dated another boy and on our first date I drank a pitcher of beer, mingled in a crowded bar with old friends and continued to check in occasionally but allowed myself to not feel like I was on a date at all. Two nights later, I texted him first and told him that I liked him a lot with the small twinge of worry that I was letting myself fall too quickly and there was no way he felt that too. But he did. He tells me all the time how absolutely insane I am. He knows. He knows that I’m goofy and weird and funny, but not in a one-liners kind of way. I’m funny in that I’m weird and awkward. I’ve drunk cried at this boy. I’ve laid in the middle of the street until my demands for a cab ride home were met. I’ve thrown cell phones in anger. I’ve jumped up and down on the bed. I’ve wrapped myself up like a burrito in blankets and demanded he cover me with cheese and eat me for lunch in a completely non-sexual way. I know I’m weird, and he’s known I’m weird all along. It’s why he likes me.
There’s a part of me that wondered for a long time that I could have maybe had the first guy if I had done something different. If I had played it cool, if I hadn’t let him know how much I liked him, maybe we would have worked something out. But, I’m not that kind of girl and I don’t want to apologize for being who I am. I’ll always be the girl that likes a boy too much, even when he doesn’t like her at all. I’ll always be the type of girl that comes on too strong. I’ll always be the girl that isn’t afraid to shamelessly flirt at a bar. I’ll always be a little bit crazy. But I’ll also always be the girl who gets to find something or someone new to fall in love with everyday and I’ll also be the girl who gets what she wants because she’s not afraid to ask.
This is the hand I was dealt. I’ve learned to deal with it. I’ve learned to embrace it. If I’m single tomorrow and next week I met an awesome guy, I’d probably still come on too strong. I’d show all my cards. I would say, “This is me.” What if you scare him off? He can walk away, he has no obligation to me. But the better question is, what if I don’t?

To read more Bold Girls’ Bible, see all past entries here!

Molly has a degree in journalism/English at a school you haven’t heard of in a state you haven’t heard of. She’s obsessed with Chandler Bing, English bulldogs, and cheese. Follow her on twitter @mollymahannah, or check out her website accordingtomolly.com.