The penultimate episode of this way too short season gave us a lot of caves, a lot of yelling at Jesse Kovacs, and a lot of boring happy couples. The flaw with this show is that the more people get coupled up, the more boring it gets. I didn’t come here to watch the Lacys and Marcuses of the world, I came here to watch AshLee cry and Graham date other people.
CODY AND MICHELLE:
Cody and Michelle have known each other for a week. And first of all, he came to the house for Clare, so at least two of those days were spent moping over Clare. But… He has already told Michelle that he loves her.
What I find most interesting about this is not that Cody said that—dude is an emotional nut ball. This is what he does, it’s Cody, it’s whatever. I love that Michelle feels she has to justify asking him to slow down. No single person in America would think she has anything to explain.
As creepy as Cody is, watching him work out was by far my favorite part of the episode. It’s like his muscles are so big he couldn’t even do side angle in his beach yoga.
Anyways, poor buddy just doesn’t know how to date because of all the steroids. Luckily for him, Michelle is just as crazy and just as desperate for a relationship that him saying he loves her is something she is going to welcome with open arms and vagina. And this is exactly what she do.
MARCUS AND LACY:
Marcus and Lacy are so boring I can’t even believe they’re getting air time. Though I did enjoy listening to her attempting to say “stalagmites” over and over again, and still getting it wrong. And watching them get chased by all of the bats. That’s it. I only get pleasure from their pain.
BROOKS AND JACKIE AND ZACH
Brooks has arrived you guys! With new hair! He’s a new man. And he has his eyes on Sarah, who has been spending her time French kissing Robert. Yes, French kissing. I find Robert’s claim over Sarah very strange. He basically peed on her on the beach, and then called her his BAE. I really liked him up until this point.
Anyways, he ends up picking Jackie because she’s the only person not seriously connected with someone at this point. During Desiree’s season, I was always confused about how much Des loved him. He’s pretty bland, and if you ask me he’s at least 65% gay (#notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat), and he’s pretty awkward.
A couple of days (or hours, who knows) after her date with Brooks, Jackie gets to go on a date with Zach. I have to say, it would be silly of her to choose Brooks over Zach. Sorry, Brooks. Their date actually felt pretty relaxed and not super uncomfortable. And they went night swimming in a cave, which should be incredibly terrifying but they made it seem extremely normal.
ROBERT AND SARAH:
Robert is great, and I don’t know what Sarah’s problem is. While she was pining over Brooks quoting Cast Away like it was 2003, he was planning a little picnic for the two of them. I am ashamed to say, but I felt very happy when Sarah decided to stay with Robert. Though I have my doubts that they will actually go on dates when they get to LA.
CHRISTY AND TASOS (TACO) AND JESSE:
Christy is a big blind dummy for thinking that Jesse is here to get a girlfriend. I love that Michelle set her straight and told her that Lucy had given him a hand job on their date. Lucy, always keeping it classy on national television.
Tasos is the next dude on the beach. Tasos? Really digging deep on the bench there eh, ABC? Whatever, he is a pleasant change of pace. I don’t know, this date was fine. I was bored. Eh.
ROSE CEREMONY:
As if I had any doubt that Brooks was pretty gay, in his last moments with Jackie, he paints her nails.
Jesse is definitely a date rapist. Like, definitely. He’s also potentially a sociopath. As Christy was calmly and quietly trying to tell him that she didn’t want it to go any further (because he got an HJ from Lucy and lied about it, and is the worst), he turns it around on her. He goes on and on about how she didn’t open up and she had all these walls up—classic manipulator. [Editor’s note: I love Jesse.]
Christy initially just lets him walk away and says okay bye after he tells her he’s leaving and blaming her. I loved, loved, loved that Michelle Money and Lacy built her up and gave her the confidence to go tell him off. I really loved this! Maybe it was all produced and not real at all, but it was actually a decent message. Bravo, ladies. Bravo.
Though, to that point, there’s no way Christy is going to date Tasos. Unfortunately, she just likes the Jesses of the world.
Apparently next week is the last episode, and it looks pretty nuts, and I’m depressed about it. I was glad Chris Harrison came out with the twist, because honestly with all the people coupled up it gets a litte boring for the viewer!
[Lead image via]
