Instagram sounds pretty simple. No witticisms in 140 characters, no perfectly crafted statuses, just simply, pretty pictures. But unfortunately, that’s just not the world we live in. Instagtram needs rules. Because some people are just ruining it for everybody else. Don’t want to be one of those people? Just follow these commandments:
1. Thou shall not post more than three selfies per week. Even three selfies is pushing it, but I’ll be generous because MAYBE you really are just so stunning that everyone in the world can’t go a couple of days without seeing your face.
2. Thou shalt not Instagram food, unless it looks really, really good. No-one wants to see a sad bowl of chilli. No-one.
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3. If thou and thine friends take a group photo, only one may Instagram it. Fight it out amongst yourselves. If there’s a special event, try to balance it out so you’re all posting different photos that give a good coverage of what was going on. Don’t you dare all post the same photo from slightly different angles or with a different filter. It’s infuriating.
4. Thou shalt never use more than three hashtags. Unless you want to look like you’re desperately trying to promote yourself, I guess?
5. Hashtags must be relevant and/or funny. Please do not post #fashionblogger under your photo of a muffin just because you ARE a fashion blogger. Is the muffin at all relevant to fashion blogging? No. Hashtagging #baller or #thuglife under a photo of your grandmother, however, is hilarious and should be done at all times.
6. If thou meetest an adorable animal, thou must Instagram it immediately. All photos of cute animals you meet (IN PERSON. Don’t push it) must be shared. Not doing so is a punishable offence.
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7. Thou shalt never comment weird stuff on a celebrity’s Instagram. To be on the safe side, just don’t comment ANYTHING on a celebrity’s Instagram. It is highly, highly unlikely to ever be seen. But definitely do not write an essay professing your love for a celeb on a photo of their shoe. Never comment ‘my friends say I look just like Nicki Minaj, click my Instagram to see’, or ‘X got me to 1,000 likes!!!’. It is never true. You do not look like Nicki Minaj. You have zero likes. You are a sad, sad human being.
8. If thou must post a throwback Thursday, it BETTER be AT LEAST a year old. I don’t want to see a photo of you in a bikini from last month. I want to see you with braces and a crap haircut. Exception to the rule is if something absolutely incredible happened and you were unable to Instagram it at the time.
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9. Thou shalt not get too artsy. Close-up shots of random crap is okay once in a while. Too often and you’re just being annoying.
10. Thou shalt not interrupt a moment to Instagram. When you’re relighting your friend’s birthday candles because you didn’t get her party hat in the frame, you have a serious problem.
11. Thou shalt not photoshop. Don’t deceive your followers. Other than through use of a heavy filter.
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12. Thou shalt never Instagram stalk on your phone. Those touch screens are just too easy to double tap.
13. Thou shalt never, EVER go on Instagram when drunk. For posting or scrolling purposes. NEVER. Instagram is not a place for your messy life. It is for beautifully laid out place-settings and engagement photos.
14. Thou shalt always share your editing apps. HOW ARE YOU ADDING MUSIC TO YOUR VIDEOS. TELL PEOPLE. Don’t be selfish.
15. Thou shalt not Instagram more than one inspirational quote per month. Trust me, we’ve all read that Audrey Hepburn quote before. You are not the first ever wise, beautiful snowflake to have added a filter and written ‘so true’.
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16. No babies. Babies are gross. Instagram is for beautiful things. Save your babies for Facebook.
17. Thou shalt not post a #haircut photo for just a trim. #haircut photos are specifically reserved for DRASTIC style changes.
18. Thou shalt not Instagram some basic manicure. No-one cares unless it’s a creative use of glitter. This lesson applies to many other situations, FYI.
19. Thou shalt change up your poses. DEAR LORD if you look identical in every single one of your damn selfies everyone will slowly feel their boredom turn into hatred. Keep doing duckface and eventually someone will smack your iPhone out of your hand, and it will smash, and you will have no-one to blame but yourself.
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20. Thou shalt use a damn filter. Don’t act like you’re better than Instagram. No matter how great your photo looks, it will look better with a good filter. Get off your high horse.
21. Thou shalt Instagram cautiously, wisely, and creatively. Consider which of the world’s great beauties are worth your feed’s time. Never apply a terrible filter to something wonderful. Capture the great things, then go and experience the extraordinary.
May your filters be well applied and your selfies be liked. Good luck unto you all.
[Lead image via CollegeHumor]