I want to start out by saying: I took this far too seriously. Lizzie McGuire is an iconic part of many our childhoods. Lizzie, Miranda, Gordo and I began middle school at the same time so it was natural for the show to be a part of my life. Each week we’d talk about how much we loved the show and how it eventually became watered down the bigger it got. (No more jokes about stuffed bras and puberty.)
A huge part of the show was Lizzie and Miranda’s bizarre Y2k meets Spice Girls fashion style. I can only imagine that Hilary and Lalaine would be stuck in the stylist’s chair for hours so that they could carefully braid, crinkle, barrette and chopstick their locks for each episode. Seriously, their scalps must have been so itchy. Like everything from the early ’00s, Lizzie and Miranda look absolutely ridiculous to our more sensible eyes todays.
Let us rank the most absurd, tedious and questionable hair looks from Lizzie McGuire.
36. “My hair looks like how I feel,” says Gordo’s inner voice as he pictures Lizzie in nothing but a Spice Girls baby tee and leopard print bootcut trousers from Old Navy.
35. Hair gorgeous enough to be on the show but not enough to warrant any speaking parts or major story lines.
34. Hair so good it doesn’t need to be shampooed twice.
33. My parents ignore me so I crinkle to cope.
32. Very boring Cher Horowitz from the Clueless TV Show. Oh so very early post-Y2k. Yawn
31. Christmas Crinkle Kringle Tartan 😐
30. Very boring Cher Horowitz with a streak of purple. So punk. So Met Ball Punk circa 2012.
29. Hair so big it’s full of secrets.
28. All crinkles everywhere. Am I dried ramen? Am I a neglected lost dog wandering around a gas station? Am I Beyoncé circa 2001?
29. Floral Orange Julius Middle School Dance Realness.
28. I didn’t have time to get ready today, OK, Kate. Why don’t you shut up before I snatch your weave and drag you to filth. Sit down.
27. Chex Mix straight and crispy swirl swag.
26. Miranda did my hair today.
25. Double high bun, high low, pink flower barrette, dafuq you talkin’ bout, mom swag swag, bruh.
24. Moldy pigtails. Moss covered weave. Rock n’ roll.
23. Microbraid Kungfu High Ponytail Jungle Princess
22. High pigtails with orange cheese doodles woven in like red panda fabulousness.
21. Screw you, Kate. Hahahahaha. A turtleneck with no sleeves, are you hot or cold, heathen?!
20. The itsy bitsy spider laid eggs in Miranda’s hair.
19. 1950s, woke up 10 hours before Kate Sanders did this morning to look this good.
18. 1950s Carrot Swag. Always in Lizzie’s shadow even though I am much cooler REALNESS.
17. Get out of my room, mom! Follow my cool soft grunge blog on Tumblr!
16. Gotta make fun of that basic, Lizzie. Think she tough cause she got a fake nose ring for one episode. Hahaha, bruh.
15. Tiny rubber band warm color gradient like Pippi Longstockings from the future.
14. Barrettes that I stole from the Claire’s at the mall. Where’s Ethan? lol 😉
13. Sushi pigtails.
12. NOTICE MY SWEET DYE JOB.
11. First things first, I’m da realest.
10. Aunt Jemima Barbie Realness
9. Ripped the balls off my Furby. How do I look?
8. “Intergalactic Newspaper Head”: A Calvin Klein Commercial From The ’80s.
7. Poison Ivy Let Them Eat Cake Realness
6. Blu Cantrell, “Hit ‘Em Up Style,” I Never Signed The Pre-Nup, Bitch.
5. How many chopsticks can we shove into Mirand’a hair today? 469.
4. Stupid cloth thingy we used to wear in middle school that I never figured out how to wear.
3. Peacock. Birds of Prey. Flamingo Seductress. Give it to me, Ethan.
2. Italian Weave Pizza Calzone Chic.
1. Latchkey kid, beaded cornrow mess because mom hit the booze hard last night and forgot to wake me up for school.
