If you’re not watching the CW’s hit show about the politics and romance of French court in the 1500s you’re missing out on the best accessories on TV and some serious royal drama.
1. Lying Is Never the Answer
This week’s episode of Reign opens on the aftermath of Francis being tremendously stupid and trying to protect Mary by breaking her heart into a million tiny pieces. He tries to have a little royal banter with his queen, but Mary is not having it, reminding him it’s kind of hard for a girl to laugh about a big-footed noble when she’s reeling from their baby drama. This would have been an excellent time for Francis to make a bunch of confessions, but like a dress without cleavage, that’s just not something the French court is into. So, trouble.
2. Double Check the Road Trip Plan
Mary and Catherine have never really gotten past the whole murdery phase of their relationship, but that’s all about to change because Mary’s joining on her to a trip to chill with the nobles (and hopefully fit in a pedicure). On the road, Mary notices they’re not going toward the town Catherine said was their destination, and mommy dearest explains they’re actually going to hang out with some peasants as Catherine stealthily tries to buy their love. At first, it seems like Mary’s annoyed at the change in the itinerary because historically Catherine’s lies have meant a new kill Mary plot was rolling, but it turns out Mary wasn’t really after some quality mother-in-law time, she actually wanted to see a doctor in town to help her with her fertility issues. Honestly, considering medicine at the time, Catherine’s change in plans probably saved her from drinking the blood of a frog on a full moon or something.
3. Always Have Some Cash on You
The girls’ day out goes from bad to worse when the queens’ carriage is attacked by angry peasants and Mary and Catherine have to shimmy out underneath it (through the carriage trap door, because Catherine thinks of everything). The two end up in a pub, pretending to by maids and offering to work for their super, because Catherine isn’t going to let a little thing like a near death experience get between her and her meal time. They’d barely had time to enjoy their hard-earned roasted leg of something when two faux-royals show up. The actors playing Mary and Francis are collecting money in the name of the crown and burning the farms of any peasants who won’t pay up, assuring the real Mary and Francis will earn an embarrassingly low approval rating. When faux-Mary gives too many details about a palace she knows nothing about, Mary performs some UCB-worthy improv to save the girl from a possible peasant mob. Catherine uses Mary’s act of kindness as a way to convince Mary, Queen the faker to take them to a nearby village where she knows a noble will see them back to their thrones.
4. Archery Lessons Make a Perfect First Date
Meanwhile, back at the palace, Lola the moper is even more bummed out than usual because she’s been disowned by her family. Since her possibly barren bestie isn’t there to hear her whine about her healthy, well provided for baby who shackles her to a life in a palace, Lola decides to whine to Kenna about how she can never truly be her own woman. Kenna kindly reminds her that it’s 16th century France, and there are literally no free women. Lola ignores this fact and goes about trying to reclaim her dowry from a banker who again tries to explain she’s a woman in 16th century France. Luckily, she’s saved from the patriarchy by resident blackmailer Lord “not all men” Narcisse, who offers to get her dowry back in exchange for tea, which turns out to be code for a sexy archery lesson, which leads to asking to watch her take a bath (through an open window of course, he is a gentleman). Lola passes on the bath, but Narcisse hands over her dowry anyways, and Lola rewards him with a suggestive hand stroke which seems to say I’m vaguely aware you’re a bad guy, but that sex diary, though.
5. Invest in Background Checks
Before they can start the next leg of the road trip with the royal fakes, some loyal soldiers come to the rescue! Hooray! Mary takes pains to remind Catherine that the lead rescuing soldier is just the loyalest, most trutstworthy guy to ever put on chain-mail. This pretty much guarantees that solider guy will double cross them, and he does, revealing he’s the one who paid the royal fakes to give Mary and Francis a bad name, and he was doing so on behalf of the queen of England (to be fair, it must be hard to weed out loyal English subjects in France since everyone speaks with an English accent). Just before traitor-soldier is about to off them both, quick thinking Mary threatens him with fake poison and spooks his horse, who ends up trampling Mr. Traitor to death. Just as the damsels have independently dealt with their distress, Francis rolls up and whisks them home. Up in the royal bed chamber, Francis says everything’s going to be all right (lie), Mary agrees (total lie), and they enjoy a warm deceit filled embrace. Awww?
Next week on Reign- Probably more lying. But also a code!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTOQNXq9xAE&w=560&h=315]
[Lead image via]
